I have pushed through bodies to get to you, pushed through late nights crying over the wrong people, through meaningless, thoughtless sex, and through hopes that have always led to despair. I was mechanical. I was mostly drunk. I was dead.
I though it was normal to cry every night, to let things happen to your body – unwanted touches, and painful caresses ending in loss of myself, moment by moment, piece by piece. It does not get better than this, I told myself endlessly. I made this bed. I deserve this bedding.
mom’s the only one who cares about me, and sometimes she doesn’t understand, know or feel my pain, my loss of control, my self disdain
You showed up at the brutal parting, my forced removal from The All Knowing One, a painful distancing. I cut my arms so deep while I was on the phone with him after he said – it’s done, don’t contact me anymore, you’re poison. I cut them so hard, so emotionally. Blood dripped down my arms, blood pooled on the carpet, my mother screamed and screamed until I couldn’t hear her anymore. The world blurred as my fragile network of lies and truths, or lies that became truths, burned in my heart. Dad got the gauze. My younger brother fell silent. He’s been silent a long time now.
And in the wake of the waves of pain, deep from the ashes of my life, as I tried and struggled with purpose and loneliness. I found you. I fucking found you online. I /saw/ you. I knew.
I don’t want to say you fixed me, because I had a hand in that too. I don’t want to say you destroyed me, because I loved heroin just as much. We have had our share of tough times, just like a plethora of good. I didn’t want to believe we couldn’t be together without drugs, so I mostly didn’t… and we got sober, we got closer, we got healed and we now have each other to thank for it, to save ourselves from the misery of returning to the families we wronged, our lives we ruined, and the pain of our emotions returning to us.
I love your humor, I love your scent, I love the way you are so honest with me, never leading me on or leading me astray. You love me for me, for who I am not who I want to be or worse, who I think I am. You don’t care if my hair is knotted, I just woke up or I am throwing a tantrum because I’m sleepy and can’t find my phone and think I’m going crazy because I checked there, no, I /checked over there/ do. not. Oh ok it was over there? Thanks.
We are not the same, I learned that from you. We don’t have to be the exact same person, that’s ok. We don’t have to be in the same room, which is code for: I feel secure you won’t leave me. I can sleep without you immediately dropping everything and going to sleep too. I had to learn that also. You’ve been a great teacher. You’ve been a better best friend.
I can honestly say I /know/ you, which is almost as good as loving you. I understand, so do you. So when there’s a day we don’t kiss or sit next each other all day or I go for a walk without you, I don’t feel any less loved, any less special, in love or cared about. It’s quite the gift you gave me.
You didn’t steal my heart, you mended it and let me hang on to it for a while. The fact that you have it now? It’s because I decided you were worthy. It was mine to give. It’s mine to take back if I so choose.
Nevertheless, it’s yours now, and I love you so much.
Thank you, with all the love of my being,
To you, my Beautiful One
“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”
I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.
My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.
Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.
I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more. I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.
I’m literally a mess.
“I stared taking care of myself today, but then I stopped ’cause I don’t care”
I had two dates yesterday, awkwardly. I hung out with this guy named mario for a while in the afternoon and with daniiel at night. Mario is tall – he’s like 6’4 – which is totally ridiculous… He was a gentlemen though – too bad I go for people who don’t treat me well. Daniiel tells me that you have to be an asshole to get a girl, and he’s doing a good job of it. He tells me not to fall for him or overthink things but whatever – sometimes you have to take risks in order to fly. But right now, i have to stay on the ground. Mom was pissed at me because i lied to her about where i was going and for asking to sleep over rachael’s house (even though I’d really be going over to Daniiel’s house/apartment). But WHATEVER. she didn’t need to freak out so hard. Jesus.
So i’m having health issues. My thyroid is hyper functioning and i don’t know what that means or what to do about it. I have to see an endocrinologist, i guess. Mom think’s it’s serious… I was also vitamin D deficit and my blood sugar was high. I am literally a mess – emotionally and physically.
I wish i was dreaming and that one day i’ll wake up to something better. Maybe that’s what death is – waking up to something better (or worse, i guess). Sometimes I don’t feel real. I am bored and numb, walking though my 21 year old life like a teenager. Daniiel and I has sex again – this time in his car. I tried my best to be good but I don’t know – some things i just feel embarrassed about and i’m not good at….bleh. I want him to like me so much – maybe just maybe this will work out… who the fuck knows.
Yesterday was Beltane, one of 8 pagan sabbats, and i spent most of it in the woods. There, amongst the comfort of trees, i had sex with someone i barely know. His name is Daniiel, pronounced duh-niel because he’s russian. Merry making is part of this sabbat – but why do i feel so conflicted. He told me blatantly that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if he’s ready to fall in love again, and i respect that – at least he’s honest. He told me not to fall for him because i might get hurt. Little does he know that hurting myself comes naturally to me. I’m a masochist after all. He told me that he doesn’t know if he could love someone who doesn’t love themselves. So now, i have to try harder… *sigh*
I went crazy eating the past few days – i might even be over 150. My lowest weight was 144.5. I really hope i’m not over 150… i think i might have to kill myself if that happens haha. I hate my body so much. Everything about it is wrong – my belly button to my nipples and, not to mention, calves. I wonder where all this pain started – where the first moment that i was worried about my body happened. Daniiel says I should love myself and my body because God created me and we are all perfect. But he also said that fat girls who show too much skin are disgusting, so i don’t really know where he falls in all this.
I haven’t been purging as much, but i still do it. I don’t know – not that much comes up anymore – i don’t know why i try.
I feel like i have no self-respect. Mom tells me that all the time. I can’t tell her about having sex with Daniiel or she’d kill me and never let me see him again. *sigh* I hate everything. I wish I could tell her, I really do, but it’s just not an option for me…