So far, in the past two days i have snorted three (soon to be four) bags of heroin, took a hit of weed out of a one-hitter bottle, smoked weed in a pipe and drank a bottle of Angry Orchard (Apple cider-like beer). The heroin has been wonderful. I can’t even being to imagine life without it, This is my new drug of choice. My birthday is coming up – Friday October 4th, and I’m getting four more bags. The only problem is that I won’t be able to drink a lot or even at all because mixing alcohol and dope is probably the worst idea ever, It leads to blackouts and blackouts, for me, lead to the hospital. My good friend Rachael will be with me though and she’ll be able to watch me also her cousin Sean and my friends Brielle and Analis will be there. I hope to god i get to see Evan too (i don’t care about seeing Steve, my boyfriend because first of all he is a prude and won’t like me drinking/doesn’t know I do drugs and secondly he is antisocial and will want me all to himself – personally Id rather be with friends).
Evan is a curious character too. He would be so mad at me if he found out i was doing heroin. He doesn’t even want to be around me when i’m high on weed. He was around yesterday – a saw it on a facebook status but he didn’t answer my calls or texts! I don’t know why though. Does he think I’m really such a mess? I’m seeing him today after his TSA interview. I just hope he doesn’t notice because I’m totally finding a single bathroom and snorting a line after this class. I haven’t felt this in control in a while.
I binged a little yesterday. I was totally in control all day and all i ate was a small plate of vegetable tempura when suddenly at night (I blame the weed) i went crazy. I had half a chocolate bar, a bunch of sour cream and onion special K crackers, popcorn and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Considering the calorie total of the day is pretty high for me, it’s not the end of the world and i didn’t gain any weight. I just have to try harder today. Harder so that i can lose what is it now? 33 more pounds and attain perfection.
I think I’m becoming manic again….
Sometimes i feel as if my world is on the brink of collapse. I was over evan, my super cop “friend”‘s, house yesterday. We finished the movie Thor – a movie we had previously gotten too distracted to watch. He was supposed to make dinner for me, but i ended up making pasta and he heated up meatballs from the fridge in his weird-ass microwave… He’s a good guy but i have so many reservations. I give in and give in. i give my body but not too much more. I feel like he will never be really mine and at the same time, i’m not sure if i want him to be. [you could give me anything but love]. i have my boyfriend who is far from perfect but he tries in his own ways and i love him for it, Nothing can compare to the feeling i get when i’m with him – er the feeling i used to get with him from old memories of before. I feel broken and loathesome. why am i such a monster? why do i have to see evan and make a mess of a relationship that might work? I feel embarrassed and insecure. my mom thinks i’m a whore – but i’m not. i’m just really messed up right now. so what do i do? smoke another cigarette, drink… perhaps take a stroll down the drug aisle in CVS so i can pop cough medicine and forget myself for a time?
Being sober is killing me. i don’t want to be just like everyone else – drugs make me feel superhuman for a while that is, but sometimes that’s enough. I’m so frustrated with the fact that i am trapped at home. i’m not allowed to live at college anymore because i’m too crazy. Last semester i flew from my boyfriend’s house to home to school. It was always an escape for me – a private sanctuary to cut and do drugs and drink. it was my release and it made me feel good. worse than missing drugs – i miss the cutting. the beautiful scarmaking that decorates my body. I look at all my scars and long to add to the collection but i know that if my parents find out ill be fucked. and they have been on the warpath of observance. I can wait till winter – when my body is covered and i will have the artistic licence to my body returned.
Like most things, I flip-flop between “extrovert” and “introvert.” I change in the night, in a single moment sometimes when I’m not paying attention – because I can never pin down exactly when the change occurred. It seemed like yesterday or maybe last week that everyone was blowing up my phone and I was moving like a mad butterfly from one thing to the next – always loud and happy – the center of attention. Today I find myself slightly nauseous at the thought of having to make small talk or worse yet – jokes. I think I have problems with relationships. I go all out to be people’s friend and if they don’t respond with the same fervor immediately – I end up hating them and trying to justify it with one of their very human flaws that I probably overlook in the few who have my utter loyalty. Also, when I feel like things are going too quick with a group of people – I run and get as much distance as possible. I find myself making plans because of my inability to say no – and then last minute lying that something came up. A bunch of friends are going drinking on Saturday and they invited me WHICH FREAKED ME OUT INSIDE. I am so paranoid. If anything happened – I would most likely lose the only person I care for, Steve. I’m actually babysitting that night which is awesome because now I don’t need to lie and I won’t be on campus, tempted. I’ve set fro myself a daily routine that I CANNOT DEVIATE from. If I do, bad things happen. I go to bed between 9 and 10, I wake up between 7 and 8. I buy a Mtn Dew and Grape water every Monday and Thursday morning. I do homework insanely early and always leave room to edit papers. I have straight As – but seriously, the pressure of maintaining that is driving me nuts. Luckily I live close, and I can go on “mini” vacations home every weekend – which is good because I’m taking a class over winter break (so I don’t really get a vacation anyway.)
There’s a man assigned to me,
And he checks on my stability,
We discuss you every week,
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
And he charges by the tear,
Til I weep no more strictly out of fear,
That I can’t afford your love,
And the moon just burns above.