I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Posts tagged “sadness

when you’re doing everything wrong, you begin to forget what’s right

I’m messing up again, no not in the heroin-arms-call-me-baby kinda way, but in another if not more significant way. I’m messing up with the love of my life.

Mostly, I feel out of it, oblivious to his pain, knee deep in my own night sweats, my own anxieties. I know he needs me more than I need him right now. But I keep pulling him into my rib cage, he holds onto th bone bars and cries out, again, I feel nothing. Too medicated to realize I’m the one killing my only hope.

I need to get a job, but nigling doubts hold me back. I’m scared I’ll fail. He’s riding his hopes on this. He needs me to make the moolah because we’re stuck, he’s being sued, we might lose ththe car, wait wait I can’t crack, I need that job, I’m too weak, I’m sick, wait no I’m screaming inside screaming at the top of my lungs, my bones are cracking, I’m in doubt, were gonnna lose the car, were going to die without my job. We’re not going to make it this time.

I’ve built a wall around my mind, so not a single person may find me. I can’t read him. He can’t read me. We need to break the walls, bring out the trumpets, marry his kingdoms ruler to my queen, build trust. It’s so simple ain’t it? Ain’t it? 

I can’t hold the details together, I can’t sew them into my seams. You said what? When was that? I forget. I don’t know. I’m going to hide now.

There must be a way to return to normality. To a time when he kisses me, touches me again, instead of me forcing my desperate lips onto his reluctant, miserable ones. When we can look with laughing eyes at each other, instead of tearful ones. 

how do I go back? Or is it forward?

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crave you

“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”

I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.

My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.

Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.

I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more.  I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.

I’m literally a mess.

xXx