Knock me out every time they touch me
I wanna feel a kiss just crush me
And break me down
I haven’t written about Kevin yet. Steve and I broke up in December and it was really really tough. I cut my arms terribly and now have long, pink, puffy scars. It was the literal worst. I thought I was going to die so many times. I fantasized about it constantly. Then something incredible happened. My life was saved. I met Kevin online – I noticed him immediately on the site and messaged him. It was like magic – we connected instantly. Now we have been dating (in person) for about 2 months.
I’m scared of how hard I fell for him. I constantly question my feelings – are they real? is this really happening? I don’t know anymore. He cares about me like no one else – I don’t think I have ever been cared for so much. Sometimes I still think about Steve but it’s becoming harder and harder to remember him. It’s like Kevin is erasing that whole disaster. I remember bits and pieces. Foreheads touching, toads, flashes of memories that make me smile sadly.
I feel kindof sad today. I haven’t really been seeing things but I have been doing a lot of heroin. I don’t think I’m an addict yet though. I love it so much and I love that Kevin and I can get high together. It’s the absolute best to be able to be totally honest with someone. I’ve never had that in my whole life. really. I lie to everyone constantly. Even when I don’t have to, I lie. I don’t even feel bad about it.
I also haven’t been eating or sleeping. The eating isn’t really an issue though. I can live without eating much. I actually hate eating. It’s a waste of time, money and calories. I like sleeping though and not being able to sleep is really fucking me up. I stay awake in limbo for hours. Shock waves in my chest keep me from nodding off. The heroin helps immensely though. It’s the perfect drug. I don’t feel like I have an eating disorder but sometimes I really think I do. The amount of thinspo on my dash is proof enough.
Back to Kevin. I can honestly say I love him. Which is weird because I never thought I would be able to love anyone but Steve. Kevin literally swept me off my feet. He became everything so soon. I don’t quite trust it yet – but I want to oh I want to. We also have the best sex. Which helps alot. We haven’t really been doing anything because of all the dope and work and such but when we do it’s amazing.
I feel like I’m chasing something – like an idea or a ghost. I feel crazy a lot. I haven’t felt myself all week. I feel broken and bent and disordered. I feel like this is the consequence of some brain chemicals gone haywire. I feel especially moody. I feel like I should be writing poetry all day but I have homework to do that I have been putting off.
I met this boy a long time ago
His eyes were Caribbean pools
And his mouth – a plump crabapple.
He moved through my forest like a fire.
I loved his cinematic swagger, an
Infectious confidence, heavy in the air –
He never mentioned he would always
Speak in code, speak in riddles –
I didn’t get how much it would hurt at the time,
From here to someplace where I would be
Standing over my own plaster heart –
Bones bare as chains, he was the light
In my bedroom on the nightstand that
I always left on, wishing I didn’t cry the
Whole way home – a light
That created all the shadows.
I met this boy a long time ago,
He was looking on this earth for a place to stand,
He was afraid but it was a fear that understood.
I loved the way we drifted away from the group
The day we first met, the day we fell in love.
We had a moment where our eyes met,
His thin arms around my shoulders.
The moment where we could have kissed,
We were both thinking it.
I cut the daisies at the waist,
The ones he gave me.
I put them in water, told them,
“drink up, baby, drink up.
Stay beautiful before you die.”