The pale angel, whispering and angular, is at the center of a fragmented dream world. His vocal poetry is haunting and lithe – winding light around his stairstep-spine. Call him “Beautiful One.” Call him “Best Friend.” Call him “You-Take-My-Breath-Away.” The only instrument he requires is freedom, the type that moves with dissonant waves – all lyricism and vigor, like a breakdown made for dreamers. But, I don’t think he saw me. I don’t think he noticed my desperation for something real, for someone to touch my ribcage-elbows-collarbone and affirm my existence. Can I help but to want to be danced upside down, to spin around like youthful romance, to jump and be okay? I look into my bathroom mirror, striped down bare and ready to take my shower. It’s 3:00am but I have nowhere to be tomorrow, or the next day or the next.
“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”
I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.
My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.
Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.
I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more. I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.
I’m literally a mess.
“I stared taking care of myself today, but then I stopped ’cause I don’t care”
I had two dates yesterday, awkwardly. I hung out with this guy named mario for a while in the afternoon and with daniiel at night. Mario is tall – he’s like 6’4 – which is totally ridiculous… He was a gentlemen though – too bad I go for people who don’t treat me well. Daniiel tells me that you have to be an asshole to get a girl, and he’s doing a good job of it. He tells me not to fall for him or overthink things but whatever – sometimes you have to take risks in order to fly. But right now, i have to stay on the ground. Mom was pissed at me because i lied to her about where i was going and for asking to sleep over rachael’s house (even though I’d really be going over to Daniiel’s house/apartment). But WHATEVER. she didn’t need to freak out so hard. Jesus.
So i’m having health issues. My thyroid is hyper functioning and i don’t know what that means or what to do about it. I have to see an endocrinologist, i guess. Mom think’s it’s serious… I was also vitamin D deficit and my blood sugar was high. I am literally a mess – emotionally and physically.
I wish i was dreaming and that one day i’ll wake up to something better. Maybe that’s what death is – waking up to something better (or worse, i guess). Sometimes I don’t feel real. I am bored and numb, walking though my 21 year old life like a teenager. Daniiel and I has sex again – this time in his car. I tried my best to be good but I don’t know – some things i just feel embarrassed about and i’m not good at….bleh. I want him to like me so much – maybe just maybe this will work out… who the fuck knows.
On my 21st birthday, i found myself in Carrier Clinic, a mental hospital, miles and miles from home – and alone, deserted both by Evan, my best friend and Steve, my boyfriend. Evan is the reason i was hospitalized in the first place. He wrongfully accused me of planning to hex him and those he loved and of being on drugs. Only one of these things is true and he seemed more concerned with the one that is not. From then on he wanted nothing to do with me, so naturally i shouted “I’m gonna fucking kill myself”, drove away to Walgreens and downed 150 Tylenol and 100 OTC sleeping pills. They eventually found me and brought the police but i ran like hell until i was handcuffed and held to the ground. Now i am truly and predictably alone with myself and my mind. I just got discharged today but while i was there i found myself aloof and disturbing, I had the most colorful flashback drug dreams about heroin and all i want to do now that i am back home is use but my parents took away my credit card and now i have no money. They also plan on periodically drug testing me which, albeit, isn’t the end of the world. It not going to stop me at least.
I feel sick tonight – the quality of night. The darkness seems to seep into my pores and turn me into one of the monsters that hides so cunningly in it. It’s cold out tonight too. I was just out smoking a cigarette and my dark yard seemed intimidating, I will have no more goodnight calls from Steve and i will never have the warm comfort of knowing Evan will be there to talk to. I have no hobbies and I’m not particularly good at anything. I fear that I will be alone forever. All my comforts have been stripped from me and my emotional state of mind is the equivalent of a cardboard box in the rain.
Being Bipolar and Borderline sucks.
So far, in the past two days i have snorted three (soon to be four) bags of heroin, took a hit of weed out of a one-hitter bottle, smoked weed in a pipe and drank a bottle of Angry Orchard (Apple cider-like beer). The heroin has been wonderful. I can’t even being to imagine life without it, This is my new drug of choice. My birthday is coming up – Friday October 4th, and I’m getting four more bags. The only problem is that I won’t be able to drink a lot or even at all because mixing alcohol and dope is probably the worst idea ever, It leads to blackouts and blackouts, for me, lead to the hospital. My good friend Rachael will be with me though and she’ll be able to watch me also her cousin Sean and my friends Brielle and Analis will be there. I hope to god i get to see Evan too (i don’t care about seeing Steve, my boyfriend because first of all he is a prude and won’t like me drinking/doesn’t know I do drugs and secondly he is antisocial and will want me all to himself – personally Id rather be with friends).
Evan is a curious character too. He would be so mad at me if he found out i was doing heroin. He doesn’t even want to be around me when i’m high on weed. He was around yesterday – a saw it on a facebook status but he didn’t answer my calls or texts! I don’t know why though. Does he think I’m really such a mess? I’m seeing him today after his TSA interview. I just hope he doesn’t notice because I’m totally finding a single bathroom and snorting a line after this class. I haven’t felt this in control in a while.
I binged a little yesterday. I was totally in control all day and all i ate was a small plate of vegetable tempura when suddenly at night (I blame the weed) i went crazy. I had half a chocolate bar, a bunch of sour cream and onion special K crackers, popcorn and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Considering the calorie total of the day is pretty high for me, it’s not the end of the world and i didn’t gain any weight. I just have to try harder today. Harder so that i can lose what is it now? 33 more pounds and attain perfection.
I think I’m becoming manic again….
i met another boy and he’s far from perfect but he is loyal. i need that. he doesn’t call or text me very much but that’s because he works non-stop. he wants to be a private investigator and he has a job with a firm. he told me once that if i ever do hard drugs – that i would be seeing much less of him… i don’t know – “when i’m left to my own devices, i go fucking insane.” i’m NOT going to tell my therapist nor am i going to consent to her pressuring me to do drug tests. i feel worthless and alone. i shouldn’t because this wonderful loyal boy cares about me and doesn’t want me to be hurt. he’s so endless i feel that all my problems just get lost when i’m with him and when he calls or texts me – i smile. i fucking smile.
and then there’s my “ex” boyfriend. i put ex in quotations because i still cant bear to say that we have broken up and have been broken up for months. our four year anniversary would have been this july 11th. its going to be a hard day for me. really hard. i’m not sure if i can manage the strength to go to work that day. but. i have this fantasy – that he will call me on that day for the “talk about our future” that we were supposed to have. that he still remembers and cares to some extent. i dont want him to forget me – i dont think i could bear it. i loved him so much, fuck that, i still love him. i feel like i always will.
i hate the thought of forgetting, that’s why i keep journals and blogs and the like. i feel nauseated – all i can think about is getting dope, starving myself, and being perfect. it’s all a conflict in my mind and my over-medicated psyche is going insane. i have been having mild bipolar symptoms like hallucinations and a deep never ending depression.
“My own misery is taunting me.
The air stings my lungs, I can barely see.
Wicked eyes surrounding me, the trees are watching silently.
I could try to run but baby what’s the point?”