I have pushed through bodies to get to you, pushed through late nights crying over the wrong people, through meaningless, thoughtless sex, and through hopes that have always led to despair. I was mechanical. I was mostly drunk. I was dead.
I though it was normal to cry every night, to let things happen to your body – unwanted touches, and painful caresses ending in loss of myself, moment by moment, piece by piece. It does not get better than this, I told myself endlessly. I made this bed. I deserve this bedding.
mom’s the only one who cares about me, and sometimes she doesn’t understand, know or feel my pain, my loss of control, my self disdain
You showed up at the brutal parting, my forced removal from The All Knowing One, a painful distancing. I cut my arms so deep while I was on the phone with him after he said – it’s done, don’t contact me anymore, you’re poison. I cut them so hard, so emotionally. Blood dripped down my arms, blood pooled on the carpet, my mother screamed and screamed until I couldn’t hear her anymore. The world blurred as my fragile network of lies and truths, or lies that became truths, burned in my heart. Dad got the gauze. My younger brother fell silent. He’s been silent a long time now.
And in the wake of the waves of pain, deep from the ashes of my life, as I tried and struggled with purpose and loneliness. I found you. I fucking found you online. I /saw/ you. I knew.
I don’t want to say you fixed me, because I had a hand in that too. I don’t want to say you destroyed me, because I loved heroin just as much. We have had our share of tough times, just like a plethora of good. I didn’t want to believe we couldn’t be together without drugs, so I mostly didn’t… and we got sober, we got closer, we got healed and we now have each other to thank for it, to save ourselves from the misery of returning to the families we wronged, our lives we ruined, and the pain of our emotions returning to us.
I love your humor, I love your scent, I love the way you are so honest with me, never leading me on or leading me astray. You love me for me, for who I am not who I want to be or worse, who I think I am. You don’t care if my hair is knotted, I just woke up or I am throwing a tantrum because I’m sleepy and can’t find my phone and think I’m going crazy because I checked there, no, I /checked over there/ do. not. Oh ok it was over there? Thanks.
We are not the same, I learned that from you. We don’t have to be the exact same person, that’s ok. We don’t have to be in the same room, which is code for: I feel secure you won’t leave me. I can sleep without you immediately dropping everything and going to sleep too. I had to learn that also. You’ve been a great teacher. You’ve been a better best friend.
I can honestly say I /know/ you, which is almost as good as loving you. I understand, so do you. So when there’s a day we don’t kiss or sit next each other all day or I go for a walk without you, I don’t feel any less loved, any less special, in love or cared about. It’s quite the gift you gave me.
You didn’t steal my heart, you mended it and let me hang on to it for a while. The fact that you have it now? It’s because I decided you were worthy. It was mine to give. It’s mine to take back if I so choose.
Nevertheless, it’s yours now, and I love you so much.
Thank you, with all the love of my being,
To you, my Beautiful One
I met this boy a long time ago
His eyes were Caribbean pools
And his mouth – a plump crabapple.
He moved through my forest like a fire.
I loved his cinematic swagger, an
Infectious confidence, heavy in the air –
He never mentioned he would always
Speak in code, speak in riddles –
I didn’t get how much it would hurt at the time,
From here to someplace where I would be
Standing over my own plaster heart –
Bones bare as chains, he was the light
In my bedroom on the nightstand that
I always left on, wishing I didn’t cry the
Whole way home – a light
That created all the shadows.
I met this boy a long time ago,
He was looking on this earth for a place to stand,
He was afraid but it was a fear that understood.
I loved the way we drifted away from the group
The day we first met, the day we fell in love.
We had a moment where our eyes met,
His thin arms around my shoulders.
The moment where we could have kissed,
We were both thinking it.
I cut the daisies at the waist,
The ones he gave me.
I put them in water, told them,
“drink up, baby, drink up.
Stay beautiful before you die.”
I haven’t written in a long time but I got back together with Steve, my ex. Daniil and I dated for all of one month and then I broke up with him for Steve. I feel like Steve really loves me. He would think of me in the time we were apart – just like I would think of him. He’s my everything and I love him so much. Mom thinks I should find another boyfriend and constantly invalidates Steve because he has depression really badly and doesn’t leave his house too often – maybe once every few months. Depression is more debilitating than people give it credit for. I don’t have depression but it does follow me sometimes and it surrounds me in the people that I love. Steve is so loving. He still calls me kitten. It was rough going for a while when I was seeing Daniil AND him. He was utterly suicidal at the thought of sharing me or even thinking about me with some other guy. We made a suicide pact at one point. We were both overwhelmed with feelings after being reunited – it was almost too much for both of us. We made it through though.This was the beginning of the summer.
It’s October now, I’m almost done with the semester. I have this class called The Personal Essay in which I am writing a story called “A Series of Ambulances” as my “memoir” type final project. Mom caught me using heroin in September or August. I did 5 bags that night and it was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. Heroin is truly the most amazing drug. However, Mom says that if she finds out I’m doing drugs other than weed (which she strangely accepts) she will kick me out onto the streets and not care where I go – she will also stop college. I have to wait till she has no more financial or otherwise hold on me till I can break out the H or the Coricidin hahaha Although I’m not sure I’d do Triple C again – I’d have to be really desperate.
Time has been hard to kill lately. I’ve been seeing faeries, monsters, flashbacks, visions, and otherwise. I had a traumatic experience a few weeks ago. I was raped but this guy I knew. I don’t know – I feel like it was definitely at least partially my fault but I did say “No, I have a boyfriend” at least 3 times. I guess I’m just not convincing. I was so weak. I didn’t tell Steve about it – I just said that something bad happened and now I have flashbacks and visions.
I also haven’t been Eating. I hate my body so much – everything about it is wrong except maybe my face but not entirely (my cheeks are too fat). I waver between 149 and 150lbs. I gained a lot since my last entry and the summer but I have been systematically starving myself for about 3 weeks now. I eat one meal a day at night, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, take laxative tea…. any way to be thin. I want to be as skinny as Steve (who, about 3 weeks ago was 5’9 and 107lbs). I want bones to show. My mom and I have been doing Zumba lately – it’s a lot of fun. I think I love dancing – I do Bellydance too. I can’t get enough and it’s a great way to burn calories.
I am reckless. I am wild youth. I will never grow up.
So far, in the past two days i have snorted three (soon to be four) bags of heroin, took a hit of weed out of a one-hitter bottle, smoked weed in a pipe and drank a bottle of Angry Orchard (Apple cider-like beer). The heroin has been wonderful. I can’t even being to imagine life without it, This is my new drug of choice. My birthday is coming up – Friday October 4th, and I’m getting four more bags. The only problem is that I won’t be able to drink a lot or even at all because mixing alcohol and dope is probably the worst idea ever, It leads to blackouts and blackouts, for me, lead to the hospital. My good friend Rachael will be with me though and she’ll be able to watch me also her cousin Sean and my friends Brielle and Analis will be there. I hope to god i get to see Evan too (i don’t care about seeing Steve, my boyfriend because first of all he is a prude and won’t like me drinking/doesn’t know I do drugs and secondly he is antisocial and will want me all to himself – personally Id rather be with friends).
Evan is a curious character too. He would be so mad at me if he found out i was doing heroin. He doesn’t even want to be around me when i’m high on weed. He was around yesterday – a saw it on a facebook status but he didn’t answer my calls or texts! I don’t know why though. Does he think I’m really such a mess? I’m seeing him today after his TSA interview. I just hope he doesn’t notice because I’m totally finding a single bathroom and snorting a line after this class. I haven’t felt this in control in a while.
I binged a little yesterday. I was totally in control all day and all i ate was a small plate of vegetable tempura when suddenly at night (I blame the weed) i went crazy. I had half a chocolate bar, a bunch of sour cream and onion special K crackers, popcorn and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Considering the calorie total of the day is pretty high for me, it’s not the end of the world and i didn’t gain any weight. I just have to try harder today. Harder so that i can lose what is it now? 33 more pounds and attain perfection.
I think I’m becoming manic again….
I ended up getting back together with my ex on our anniversary. It was a triumph that slowly faded into despair. Nothing is the same between us and now he treats me like second string. It hurts a lot. We don’t even have our goodnight calls or even talk once a day. I thought he was my everything but now i realize that i’m just his nothing. yet i stay with him – i cling on to the memory of our once-was. the beautiful effervescent dream of our last four years together. He says that i was draining and that his business suffered because of me. i feel like that’s bullshit but i have no retort to challenge him. i’m at a loss for words lately. My parents hate him. they attack and attack. they don’t think i know? what fools. He says, “work comes first.” “my friends come first” everything seems to come before me.
Then there’s this other guy, and he treats me alright. He opens the car door for me and such. But i can’t help but feel that he will never date me. We talked about it once and in the end i was very confused. it seems like emotionally/physically he wants to be with me but logically everything is telling him to stay away for the messy tragedy-waiting-to-happen that is me. I love this man, without a doubt but he doesn’t seems to love me…. the dilemma. Maybe things will change one day… but who knows. he’s picking me up today and we’re going out. he puts his arm around my shoulder (in front of his friends too) and everything feels alright. i feel safe and secure – like nothing in the world could hurt me and the best thing is …. i forget entirely about the bf and all the drama and ill-feelings revolving around him.
It happens right? Just blow off the memories and pretend like everything is okay. In the past week, i’ve gotten so drunk that i was turning blue and my breathing was shallow, smoked mad amounts of weed, had sex with a guy i just met three times – one of which was on a dirty couch next to the railroad tracks under a bridge, and found a hardcore drug dealer in my weekly group therapy class. i feel like i should be upset or crying that i cheated on a wonderful boy who calls me the center of his world but i’m not.
i’m next to nothing to this narcissistic asshat of a person and yet i try over and over again. He said that we couldn’t hang out after we smoked the weed that i paid for, which would have been fine if he was actually busy but nope – he was going to “study” with a girl. i saw through the bullshit in .5 seconds and called him out on it. He was just like “whatever, you know i don’t like you like that.” Oh you don’t? well, maybe i was led to another conclusion after we had sex three separate times.
“i’m not a hand holding person” he tells me after i reached for his hand in the dormitory hallway as we were fast approaching the lounge, where his little fuck-me girl was. HOWEVER, off campus when we were walking to our smoke spot (where no one we knew could see us) he had his fucking arm around me – willingly – and we walked arm and arm until the dark woods tore our balance apart.
Is this my real life? HE also didn’t get the girl back in his room, because they were studying in the lounge when i was hanging with my friend Cooper. He and i went out for a smoke and as we walked back in i saw “my guy” snake his hand away from her hair or back or whatever. She left shortly thereafter, and so he was all like “fuck it i have no reason to be here anymore, come with me cooper, lets find the guys and play videogames in my room.” Which, okay whatever. Maybe i wouldn’t have felt so bad standing alone in that empty fucking room if they both had half the decency to turn around when they said “later.”
i must be the most worthless piece of gullible shit in the universe. i feel like dirt. all i can taste is dirt. all i can see is dirt…. dirt. dirt. dirt.