“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”
I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.
My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.
Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.
I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more. I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.
I’m literally a mess.
On my 21st birthday, i found myself in Carrier Clinic, a mental hospital, miles and miles from home – and alone, deserted both by Evan, my best friend and Steve, my boyfriend. Evan is the reason i was hospitalized in the first place. He wrongfully accused me of planning to hex him and those he loved and of being on drugs. Only one of these things is true and he seemed more concerned with the one that is not. From then on he wanted nothing to do with me, so naturally i shouted “I’m gonna fucking kill myself”, drove away to Walgreens and downed 150 Tylenol and 100 OTC sleeping pills. They eventually found me and brought the police but i ran like hell until i was handcuffed and held to the ground. Now i am truly and predictably alone with myself and my mind. I just got discharged today but while i was there i found myself aloof and disturbing, I had the most colorful flashback drug dreams about heroin and all i want to do now that i am back home is use but my parents took away my credit card and now i have no money. They also plan on periodically drug testing me which, albeit, isn’t the end of the world. It not going to stop me at least.
I feel sick tonight – the quality of night. The darkness seems to seep into my pores and turn me into one of the monsters that hides so cunningly in it. It’s cold out tonight too. I was just out smoking a cigarette and my dark yard seemed intimidating, I will have no more goodnight calls from Steve and i will never have the warm comfort of knowing Evan will be there to talk to. I have no hobbies and I’m not particularly good at anything. I fear that I will be alone forever. All my comforts have been stripped from me and my emotional state of mind is the equivalent of a cardboard box in the rain.
Being Bipolar and Borderline sucks.