I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Posts tagged “fear

crave you

“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”

I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.

My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.

Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.

I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more.  I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.

I’m literally a mess.

xXx

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hospitalized

On my 21st birthday, i found myself in Carrier Clinic, a mental hospital, miles and miles from home – and alone, deserted both by Evan, my best friend and Steve, my boyfriend. Evan is the reason i was hospitalized in the first place. He wrongfully accused me of planning to hex him and those he loved and of being on drugs. Only one of these things is true and he seemed more concerned with the one that is not. From then on he wanted nothing to do with me, so naturally i shouted “I’m gonna fucking kill myself”, drove away to Walgreens and downed 150 Tylenol and 100 OTC sleeping pills. They eventually found me and brought the police but i ran like hell until i was handcuffed and held to the ground. Now i am truly and predictably alone with myself and my mind. I just got discharged today but while i was there i found myself aloof and disturbing, I had the most colorful flashback drug dreams about heroin and all i want to do now that i am back home is use but my parents took away my credit card and now i have no money. They also plan on periodically drug testing me which, albeit, isn’t the end of the world. It not going to stop me at least.

I feel sick tonight – the quality of night. The darkness seems to seep into my pores and turn me into one of the monsters that hides so cunningly in it. It’s cold out tonight too. I was just out smoking a cigarette and my dark yard seemed intimidating, I will have no more goodnight calls from Steve and i will never have the warm comfort of knowing Evan will be there to talk to. I have no hobbies and I’m not particularly good at anything. I fear that I will be alone forever. All my comforts have been stripped from me and my emotional state of mind is the equivalent of a cardboard box in the rain.

Being Bipolar and Borderline sucks.

xXx


lover, come and hold me. my scars are not fading away….

i have a boyfriend and he’s been good to me. He doesn’t know that he shouldn’t be with someone like me and he probably won’t find out until its too late for us both. I find myself falling in and out of love with him frequently. The shift in my feelings changes on a dime. I wish it would stop – that I could consistently feel one way or the other and start preparing to live with the consequences of either decision. I’m visiting someone in florida, let’s call him lover. He’s hurt me many times… I’ve cut myself, broken my nose, starved myself and drugged myself because of him and yet, I can’t stop thinking of him. Some part of me hopes that when we see each other this summer, we can be secret lovers again. It can be like before, only real this time. But in truth, I might just have to live with being friends and nothing more. (i don’t think even he can keep that up though). I get mixed messages and i know that it’s going to kill me if this continues.

i want to transcend all this, to not be so caught up in life’s everyday trials. I really just want to escape…but no ordinary escape will satisfy me. I want to leave this world for another, more magical plane – a realm of pure thought that mimics our own – the Otherworld. But for now, I’ll settle for getting high or intoxicated… but it all wears off, and I’m back to this reality again – just as miserable as ever.

It’s not natural for a 19 year old girl to be carrying around stuffed animals and sleeping with them (8 of them, to be exact). But I can’t be alone anymore. I’m terrified of the dark especially when I’m feeling particularly unstable. I don’t ever want to be alone – but it’s not because I like other people, no, it’s because I’m more scared of my own, lingering thoughts than I am scared of the dark. I run around all day until the point of physical exhaustion – then, when i fall asleep – it’s always *dreamless*. I can’t bear to see my lover in dream-space. The guilt of loving him is too great. I want to hate him but… I can’t. The same way I keep trying to quit smoking, and always always always go back to it.

xXx