I haven’t been eating lately. I sneakily throw food away and pretend i ate it. Like my peach yogurt this morning (down the toilet). I lie and lie and lie and can’t stop. Mom says i don’t live in truth and maybe i dont but i dont have much alternative. I can’t even remember when i started chronically lying to my parents and being so freaking smooth about it. Every minute, every second my hunger pains crumple me – but they feel like winning like the pain translates to victory and honor. I was always kindof a masochist now wasn’t i? I don’t need food. I just want to be so thin and beautiful. I want to be able to fit into really beautiful designer clothes that don’t make size 12s. Collarbone and hipbone honored like a goddess.
My mom is furious at me but I can’t stop now. Not since i’ve been losing. I have to be 115. I will be. She thinks i’ll go back to the hospital again that I’ll be locked away with a key or shoved into an ambulance. I’ve never gone into an ambulance without being handcuffed first and I wont go without a fight that’s for sure.
I’m sitting in my world literature class right now, and we are talking about how in poetry images become something more – they become symbols and that we should always be looking and thinking – does it mean more? And I have been thinking. I want to find higher meaning. Not eating is like prayer to me – like being so empty that something more can fill you. But in the end, I’m just destroying something – the person that i used to be. I’m not sure if that person is beautiful or not, but she is real and being replaced by something more – by the god/goddess.
So far, in the past two days i have snorted three (soon to be four) bags of heroin, took a hit of weed out of a one-hitter bottle, smoked weed in a pipe and drank a bottle of Angry Orchard (Apple cider-like beer). The heroin has been wonderful. I can’t even being to imagine life without it, This is my new drug of choice. My birthday is coming up – Friday October 4th, and I’m getting four more bags. The only problem is that I won’t be able to drink a lot or even at all because mixing alcohol and dope is probably the worst idea ever, It leads to blackouts and blackouts, for me, lead to the hospital. My good friend Rachael will be with me though and she’ll be able to watch me also her cousin Sean and my friends Brielle and Analis will be there. I hope to god i get to see Evan too (i don’t care about seeing Steve, my boyfriend because first of all he is a prude and won’t like me drinking/doesn’t know I do drugs and secondly he is antisocial and will want me all to himself – personally Id rather be with friends).
Evan is a curious character too. He would be so mad at me if he found out i was doing heroin. He doesn’t even want to be around me when i’m high on weed. He was around yesterday – a saw it on a facebook status but he didn’t answer my calls or texts! I don’t know why though. Does he think I’m really such a mess? I’m seeing him today after his TSA interview. I just hope he doesn’t notice because I’m totally finding a single bathroom and snorting a line after this class. I haven’t felt this in control in a while.
I binged a little yesterday. I was totally in control all day and all i ate was a small plate of vegetable tempura when suddenly at night (I blame the weed) i went crazy. I had half a chocolate bar, a bunch of sour cream and onion special K crackers, popcorn and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Considering the calorie total of the day is pretty high for me, it’s not the end of the world and i didn’t gain any weight. I just have to try harder today. Harder so that i can lose what is it now? 33 more pounds and attain perfection.
I think I’m becoming manic again….