I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Posts tagged “eating disorder

boys dont just hurt with their words – they hurt with their silences

abysmal.

i though it was me, still do in those harsh moments between crying and not, midnight and tomorrow. I feel hollow. I never knew recovery would be just as hollow as addiction/

but it is – pleasantly hollow.

there is nothing to do now but starve. i feel gross and fat. my medicine leaves me lethargic and fat. this house where i eat leaves me unsatisfied and fat. my boyfriend wont touch me thus leaving me sexless and fat. fat. fat. fat.

where there is a will there is a way. He hurts me more everyday – until reding takes precedent over talking and familiarity takes the place of love.

is there love anymore? theres certainly no passion. no lust. nothing sacredly primal. but is there still a sacredness left? When the bodies of two lie facing each other? holding on tight for the sheer force of the world might rip them apart. Have the angels come unstuck from heaven?

I like it, I’m not gonna crack
I miss you, I’m not gonna crack
I love you, I’m not gonna crack
I killed you, I’m not gonna crack

I like it, I’m not gonna crack
I miss you, I’m not gonna crack
I love you, I’m not gonna crack
I killed you, I’m not gonna crack

we shall never know.

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i held your hand so very tightly

I haven’t written in a long time but I got back together with Steve, my ex. Daniil and I dated for all of one month and then I broke up with him for Steve. I feel like Steve really loves me. He would think of me in the time we were apart – just like I would think of him. He’s my everything and I love him so much. Mom thinks I should find another boyfriend and constantly invalidates Steve because he has depression really badly and doesn’t leave his house too often – maybe once every few months. Depression is more debilitating than people give it credit for. I don’t have depression but it does follow me sometimes and it surrounds me in the people that I love. Steve is so loving. He still calls me kitten. It was rough going for a while when I was seeing Daniil AND him. He was utterly suicidal at the thought of sharing me or even thinking about me with some other guy. We made a suicide pact at one point. We were both overwhelmed with feelings after being reunited – it was almost too much for both of us. We made it through though.This was the beginning of the summer.

It’s October now, I’m almost done with the semester. I have this class called The Personal Essay in which I am writing a story called “A Series of Ambulances” as my “memoir” type final project. Mom caught me using heroin in September or August. I did 5 bags that night and it was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. Heroin is truly the most amazing drug. However, Mom says that if she finds out I’m doing drugs other than weed (which she strangely accepts) she will kick me out onto the streets and not care where I go – she will also stop college. I have to wait till she has no more financial or otherwise hold on me till I can break out the H or the Coricidin hahaha Although I’m not sure I’d do Triple C again – I’d have to be really desperate.

Time has been hard to kill lately. I’ve been seeing faeries, monsters, flashbacks, visions, and otherwise. I had a traumatic experience a few weeks ago. I was raped but this guy I knew. I don’t know – I feel like it was definitely at least partially my fault but I did say “No, I have a boyfriend” at least 3 times. I guess I’m just not convincing. I was so weak. I didn’t tell Steve about it – I just said that something bad happened and now I have flashbacks and visions.

I also haven’t been Eating. I hate my body so much – everything about it is wrong except maybe my face but not entirely (my cheeks are too fat). I waver between 149 and 150lbs. I gained a lot since my last entry and the summer but I have been systematically starving myself for about 3 weeks now. I eat one meal a day at night, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, take laxative tea…. any  way to be thin. I want to be as skinny as Steve (who, about 3 weeks ago was 5’9 and 107lbs). I want bones to show. My mom and I have been doing Zumba lately – it’s a lot of fun. I think I love dancing – I do Bellydance too. I can’t get enough and it’s a great way to burn calories.

I am reckless. I am wild youth. I will never grow up.

xXx


beltane

Yesterday was Beltane, one of 8 pagan sabbats, and i spent most of it in the woods. There, amongst the comfort of trees, i had sex with someone i barely know. His name is Daniiel, pronounced duh-niel because he’s russian. Merry making is part of this sabbat – but why do i feel so conflicted. He told me blatantly that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if he’s ready to fall in love again, and i respect that – at least he’s honest. He told me not to fall for him because i might get hurt. Little does he know that hurting myself comes naturally to me. I’m a masochist after all. He told me that he doesn’t know if he could love someone who doesn’t love themselves. So now, i have to try harder… *sigh*

I went crazy eating the past few days – i might even be over 150. My lowest weight was 144.5. I really hope i’m not over 150…  i think i might have to kill myself if that happens haha. I hate my body so much. Everything about it is wrong – my belly button to my nipples and, not to mention, calves. I wonder where all this pain started – where the first moment that i was worried about my body happened. Daniiel says I should love myself and my body because God created me and we are all perfect. But he also said that fat girls who show too much skin are disgusting, so i don’t really know where he falls in all this.

I haven’t been purging as much, but i still do it. I don’t know – not that much comes up anymore – i don’t know why i try.

I feel like i have no self-respect. Mom tells me that all the time. I can’t tell her about having sex with Daniiel or she’d kill me and never let me see him again. *sigh* I hate everything. I wish I could tell her, I really do, but it’s just not an option for me…

xXx


remember to feel real…

So far, in the past two days i have snorted three (soon to be four) bags of heroin, took a hit of weed out of a one-hitter bottle, smoked weed in a pipe and drank a bottle of Angry Orchard (Apple cider-like beer). The heroin has been wonderful. I can’t even being to imagine life without it, This is my new drug of choice. My birthday is coming up – Friday October 4th, and I’m getting four more bags. The only problem is that I won’t be able to drink a lot or even at all because mixing alcohol and dope is probably the worst idea ever, It leads to blackouts and blackouts, for me, lead to the hospital. My good friend Rachael will be with me though and she’ll be able to watch me also her cousin Sean and my friends Brielle and Analis will be there. I hope to god i get to see Evan too (i don’t care about seeing Steve, my boyfriend because first of all he is a prude and won’t like me drinking/doesn’t know I do drugs and secondly he is antisocial and will want me all to himself – personally Id rather be with friends).

Evan is a curious character too. He would be so mad at me if he found out i was doing heroin. He doesn’t even want to be around me when i’m high on weed. He was around yesterday – a saw it on a facebook status but he didn’t answer my calls or texts! I don’t know why though. Does he think I’m really such a mess? I’m seeing him today after his TSA interview. I just hope he doesn’t notice because I’m totally finding a single bathroom and snorting a line after this class. I haven’t felt this in control in a while.

I binged a little yesterday. I was totally in control all day and all i ate was a small plate of vegetable tempura when suddenly at night (I blame the weed) i went crazy. I had half a chocolate bar, a bunch of sour cream and onion special K crackers, popcorn and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. Considering the calorie total of the day is pretty high for me, it’s not the end of the world and i didn’t gain any weight. I just have to try harder today. Harder so that i can lose what is it now? 33 more pounds and attain perfection.

I think I’m becoming manic again….

xXx


tensions rise

I find myself lying more and more. Not just to my parents but to myself too. I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night, but in the end i didn’t have the guts to do it. I had fantasized about that moment for days – how i would do it and what it would feel like, Nothing even came close. I was in tears – just at the thought of losing him or being alone – i;m not sure which one anymore,  I should really have let him go but for some reason i cant. He doesn’t want to be friends after, he doesn’t even want to speak to me after… i just don’t know

And now i have to find a job to feed money into my growing heroin addiction. ten dollars a bag (which is the equivalent of one line) isn’t cheap.  My parents might begin to wonder where all this money is going so i’m going to start a new campaign called op: eating out. I plan to pretend to go out to eat a lot more frequently and noticeably that way i have something to  blame. And no, i don’t plan on actually eating. I never plan on eating,

In fact, i haven’t really eaten in the past week or more, I think i’m falling back into my eating disorder and with it comes all the chaos that my mental illnesses bring, Some like crack like not eating in the veneer lets out the beast and nothing can hold her back. I don’t know that i could stop it even if i am self-aware.

Right now, i am sitting in the midst of an unmade bed with a runny nose, wondering what i am going to do with myself. How can i stop feeling so worthless?

xXx

 


when you are hungry enough

Each pang of need stifles the mind
The idea of food feels like failure
You want to be the skeleton in your closet
Thin-eternal and full of righteousness

Greasy, filthy, succulent, disgusting
Your plate is heaped with fat and disease
So you don’t eat anything
You can’t. You have to reach nirvana.

But eventually you get hungry enough
That you start to consume your own heart
The warm sticky ideas and feelings
It bleeds emotion and you were so numb before

You eat your own heart out and feel sorrow
A deep longing – a grief you never knew existed
They say when you are hungry enough
When you have denied yourself any kind of pleasure

You begin to eat out your heart,
But you will never be satisfied, never be full
The pain and loss overwhelms you
And the mirror shows a skeleton.

by me, xXx


i’m a mess

i like to think that no one knows what i am but i can’t hide forever. i want to be a teacher eventually – i think. it could just be the line i’ve been fed for so long that i believe its what i actually want. whatever. it’s not like i can ever even be that – one look at my medical records and i’d be fucked. the hospitalizations, the rehab, the (prescribed) drugs alone – it paints a picture of sickness that i can’t ever escape. i can’t ever escape it because it’s true. i am a mess.

i lost my boyfriend, the good boy that loved me once. i’m not sure if he does anymore – i don’t even know if he still thinks about me. he won’t answer my calls but the last thing he said to me was that if i finished rehab then we would be able to talk about “the possibility of getting back together.” but who knows, it’s probably a ploy to give me hope so i don’t kill myself on the spot. he probably thinks that me going to rehab will fix me and my dark thoughts but it wont. ill make sure of that. i have it all planned. as soon as we talk and it goes south, as it probably will – that’s it. i’m done.

i’d like to have hope but i just don’t. i’m going to rehab to check it off the list. i still smoke cigarettes but i have been clean since i ODed two or three weeks ago. i want to say i almost died, but i don’t think i did. i just lost my boyfriend and scared everyone. but next time won’t be a fuck up. the next time i go for suicide – i’m not going to fail. i’m sick of failures. it needs to be perfect, and it will be. gah i wish i had some acid and a locked colorful room for the rest of my life. i don’t want to go on without escape and i don’t think i can. someone at rehab is bound to have connections, they always do. if there is a time to do drugs its now, while steve is out of my life. now is the time. there is no salvation but there is escapism and that’s all i can go on for now.

i can’t even put into words how much i despise myself. i am worse than an addict, bipolar, ocd, rape-victim, eating disordered individual who probably has daddy issues. i am a girl who hurts literally everything in her path. i want to change that, but i fear it’s too late for me. one last desperate act will seal the deal and show the world the ugly little child i am and always have been. i just need a way out of this mess i call my life. i need to get out.

xXx