I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Posts tagged “dope

tensions rise

I find myself lying more and more. Not just to my parents but to myself too. I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night, but in the end i didn’t have the guts to do it. I had fantasized about that moment for days – how i would do it and what it would feel like, Nothing even came close. I was in tears – just at the thought of losing him or being alone – i;m not sure which one anymore,  I should really have let him go but for some reason i cant. He doesn’t want to be friends after, he doesn’t even want to speak to me after… i just don’t know

And now i have to find a job to feed money into my growing heroin addiction. ten dollars a bag (which is the equivalent of one line) isn’t cheap.  My parents might begin to wonder where all this money is going so i’m going to start a new campaign called op: eating out. I plan to pretend to go out to eat a lot more frequently and noticeably that way i have something to  blame. And no, i don’t plan on actually eating. I never plan on eating,

In fact, i haven’t really eaten in the past week or more, I think i’m falling back into my eating disorder and with it comes all the chaos that my mental illnesses bring, Some like crack like not eating in the veneer lets out the beast and nothing can hold her back. I don’t know that i could stop it even if i am self-aware.

Right now, i am sitting in the midst of an unmade bed with a runny nose, wondering what i am going to do with myself. How can i stop feeling so worthless?

xXx

 

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the girl with golden eyes

i met another boy and he’s far from perfect but he is loyal. i need that. he doesn’t call or text me very much but that’s because he works non-stop. he wants to be a private investigator and he has a job with a firm. he told me once that if i ever do hard drugs – that i would be seeing much less of him… i don’t know – “when i’m left to my own devices, i go fucking insane.” i’m NOT going to tell my therapist nor am i going to consent to her pressuring me to do drug tests. i feel worthless and alone. i shouldn’t because this wonderful loyal boy cares about me and doesn’t want me to be hurt. he’s so endless i feel that all my problems just get lost when i’m with him and when he calls or texts me – i smile. i fucking smile.

and then there’s my “ex” boyfriend. i put ex in quotations because i still cant bear to say that we have broken up and have been broken up for months. our four year anniversary would have been this july 11th. its going to be a hard day for me. really hard. i’m not sure if i can manage the strength to go to work that day. but. i have this fantasy – that he will call me on that day for the “talk about our future” that we were supposed to have. that he still remembers and cares to some extent. i dont want him  to forget me – i dont think i could bear it. i loved him so much, fuck that, i still love him. i feel like i always will.

i hate the thought of forgetting, that’s why i keep journals and blogs and the like. i feel nauseated – all i can think about is getting dope, starving myself, and being perfect. it’s all a conflict in my mind and my over-medicated psyche is going insane. i have been having mild bipolar symptoms like hallucinations and a deep never ending depression.

“My own misery is taunting me.
The air stings my lungs, I can barely see.
Wicked eyes surrounding me, the trees are watching silently.
I could try to run but baby what’s the point?”

-alesana

xXx