I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Latest

Passing your house the other day…

nostalgia never fails to reach me.
I never fail to remember the dates to every single important thing that happened.
I remember the date when we first kissed, I remember the date I met your parents,
and I remember today’s date last year.
I remember that day I was really upset about something and started crying on the phone and you with your goddamn sweet voice started reading that goddamn sweet poem I gave you earlier and I guess you thought it would make me stop crying because I did. and I smiled and I remember you telling me how much you love me and how I felt your comfort and presence even though I was alone in bed and I remember that night clearly and I remember. you loved me.
nostalgia never fails to make me miss you.

 

xXx

Pen Pal, Asylum by Megan Merchant

I’m loose wires, twirls of yarn hair,

burnt-ash eyes swept from a stockroom floor.

I’m eighty percent paper, pink-thin skin,
litmus-blue for you.

Rub against my matchstick shin,
I’ll ignite.

Wind me up, wind me up
take me for a ride.

My rag-doll lips are vigilant as vultures,
soft as weathered-leather and chard.

My kiss is a spill of cumin on soft
bread, spongy-warm, rising.

Some man patched my wounds
with slop from a bucket.

He milked me, swirled me,
spit me out.

Another burnt buttons along my back
with his cigarette,

said he could see my spirit, like stuffing,
puffing out. I was his child-bride.

Now, I’m yours to sew together,
your pile of groaning breasts and thighs,

a scabbed-map of slices. You can split me
down my scar-lines. Shave me.

Save me. Shoot what you want
into my veins. I’m a cloud pocked with rain.

Wind me up, wind me up,
dig your hands into my spine.

I’ll be your puppet, your glamour-girl,
your bitch-in-heat, your insane.

I’ll play twice-as-nice once the pills
float down this numb-ebbing wave.

I have time, so much time, for the fog
to burn off, the pollution to clear from my brain.

Can you hear the seagulls shriek swallow, swallow,
then check my tongue for a razor out of place ?

(They have trust issues.) Come see.

Crank the bars from the glass. Free me.
I’ll be your moon, your gun. Your edge to scratch on.

I’ll write every day.
Even though it’s hard to know

which one becomes the last. The light
here shines florescent as the waxed floor.

Glory

I met this boy a long time ago
His eyes were Caribbean pools
And his mouth – a plump crabapple.
He moved through my forest like a fire.
I loved his cinematic swagger, an
Infectious confidence, heavy in the air –
He never mentioned he would always
Speak in code, speak in riddles –
I didn’t get how much it would hurt at the time,
From here to someplace where I would be
Standing over my own plaster heart –
Bones bare as chains, he was the light
In my bedroom on the nightstand that
I always left on, wishing I didn’t cry the
Whole way home – a light
That created all the shadows.

I met this boy a long time ago,
He was looking on this earth for a place to stand,
He was afraid but it was a fear that understood.
I loved the way we drifted away from the group
The day we first met, the day we fell in love.
We had a moment where our eyes met,
His thin arms around my shoulders.
The moment where we could have kissed,
We were both thinking it.

I cut the daisies at the waist,
The ones he gave me.
I put them in water, told them,
“drink up, baby, drink up.
Stay beautiful before you die.”

We live in a mad, mad world

Sometime I don’t feel real. I feel transparent or sheer. People see through me or don’t see me at all. I can’t even see myself at times. I have blackouts when I drive. I am there driving then in a moment I am down the road and don’t know how I got there. I still see things – at times, I feel possessed by something more than myself. It’s not a supernatural sort of possession – but it is a demon of sorts. I have been more driven, more in control, more obsessive. Right now, I am obsessed with Victorian England – but in a way – I always have been. Writers are always in love with things that are long gone.

I have been writing poetry as of late. I can’t seem to stop. Nothing is good – I am unsatisfied with the words I write versus the emotions I feel and what I want to say. I remain uncertain of myself and of my path in life.

I have begun eating breakfast and lunch and dinner, but at the end of the day – I still average 500calories a day plus exercise. I try and exercise everyday in a valiant hope to shrink so my visions of disappearing can truly manifest and people will see what I see at last.

Steve, my boyfriend, is still sick and virtually nonexistent in my life. He never answers my calls – misses he special goodnight calls too. He is a broken boy and I still love him though I don’t think he deserves all the unconditional love and time I devote to praying for him, loving him, calling him, thinking about him, shopping for the perfect christmas gift for him etc. What’s worse is that he told me that when he does get better – work, family and friends will come before me – me. me who stood by him, who kept him company, who gave all of myself to him. I just don’t understand. I feel terrible about it.

xXx

i held your hand so very tightly

I haven’t written in a long time but I got back together with Steve, my ex. Daniil and I dated for all of one month and then I broke up with him for Steve. I feel like Steve really loves me. He would think of me in the time we were apart – just like I would think of him. He’s my everything and I love him so much. Mom thinks I should find another boyfriend and constantly invalidates Steve because he has depression really badly and doesn’t leave his house too often – maybe once every few months. Depression is more debilitating than people give it credit for. I don’t have depression but it does follow me sometimes and it surrounds me in the people that I love. Steve is so loving. He still calls me kitten. It was rough going for a while when I was seeing Daniil AND him. He was utterly suicidal at the thought of sharing me or even thinking about me with some other guy. We made a suicide pact at one point. We were both overwhelmed with feelings after being reunited – it was almost too much for both of us. We made it through though.This was the beginning of the summer.

It’s October now, I’m almost done with the semester. I have this class called The Personal Essay in which I am writing a story called “A Series of Ambulances” as my “memoir” type final project. Mom caught me using heroin in September or August. I did 5 bags that night and it was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. Heroin is truly the most amazing drug. However, Mom says that if she finds out I’m doing drugs other than weed (which she strangely accepts) she will kick me out onto the streets and not care where I go – she will also stop college. I have to wait till she has no more financial or otherwise hold on me till I can break out the H or the Coricidin hahaha Although I’m not sure I’d do Triple C again – I’d have to be really desperate.

Time has been hard to kill lately. I’ve been seeing faeries, monsters, flashbacks, visions, and otherwise. I had a traumatic experience a few weeks ago. I was raped but this guy I knew. I don’t know – I feel like it was definitely at least partially my fault but I did say “No, I have a boyfriend” at least 3 times. I guess I’m just not convincing. I was so weak. I didn’t tell Steve about it – I just said that something bad happened and now I have flashbacks and visions.

I also haven’t been Eating. I hate my body so much – everything about it is wrong except maybe my face but not entirely (my cheeks are too fat). I waver between 149 and 150lbs. I gained a lot since my last entry and the summer but I have been systematically starving myself for about 3 weeks now. I eat one meal a day at night, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, take laxative tea…. any  way to be thin. I want to be as skinny as Steve (who, about 3 weeks ago was 5’9 and 107lbs). I want bones to show. My mom and I have been doing Zumba lately – it’s a lot of fun. I think I love dancing – I do Bellydance too. I can’t get enough and it’s a great way to burn calories.

I am reckless. I am wild youth. I will never grow up.

xXx

crave you

“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”

I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.

My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.

Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.

I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more.  I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.

I’m literally a mess.

xXx

stay on the ground

“I stared taking care of myself today, but then I stopped ’cause I don’t care”

I had two dates yesterday, awkwardly. I hung out with this guy named mario for a while in the afternoon and with daniiel at night. Mario is tall – he’s like 6’4 – which is totally ridiculous… He was a gentlemen though – too bad I go for people who don’t treat me well. Daniiel tells me that you have to be an asshole to get a girl, and he’s doing a good job of it. He tells me not to fall for him or overthink things but whatever – sometimes you have to take risks in order to fly. But right now, i have to stay on the ground. Mom was pissed at me because i lied to her about where i was going and for asking to sleep over rachael’s house (even though I’d really be going over to Daniiel’s house/apartment). But WHATEVER. she didn’t need to freak out so hard. Jesus.

So i’m having health issues. My thyroid is hyper functioning and i don’t know what that means or what to do about it. I have to see an endocrinologist, i guess. Mom think’s it’s serious… I was also vitamin D deficit and my blood sugar was high. I am literally a mess – emotionally and physically.

I wish i was dreaming and that one day i’ll wake up to something better. Maybe that’s what death is – waking up to something better (or worse, i guess). Sometimes I don’t feel real. I am bored and numb, walking though my 21 year old life like a teenager. Daniiel and I has sex again – this time in his car. I tried my best to be good but I don’t know – some things i just feel embarrassed about and i’m not good at….bleh. I want him to like me so much – maybe just maybe this will work out… who the fuck knows.

xXx