I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

dis·in·te·grate

dis·in·te·grate

0.) wake up and tell yourself, “you are stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting, a monster, horrid.”

1.) stop eating, the less you eat the emptier you’ll be. and we’re all empty anyway.

2.) start sleeping. sleep as long as possible, dreamless medicated sleeping.

3.) awake? find solitude. Read goethe, sexton, plath, thomas hardy.

4.) make a fist. cut your wrist. wash it down in the shower.

5.) listen to the saddest songs.

6.) iv heroin.

7.) get kicked out.

Now your on the street. Yeah, you got scars but you’re not special, alone or good. You’ve been telling yourself this shit since you hit puberty. Now you’re grown. It’s not cool anymore. Your friends are getting married… you are in debt to dealers. You sell your mother’s jewelry. You have denied life and thus it has denied you.

7.) make promises – keep a few, break less.

6.) get help to get sober.

5.) aa meetings help but not enough. try something else, try methadone.

4.) have a good conversation with your mother.

3.) get a job, volunteer, go to church, rediscover your dreams.

2.) reclaim intimacy with your lover.

1.) learn to be yourself.

0.) love yourself.

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