the snow won’t go away, my nose runs down my face
no one sees me here, it doesn’t even matter
and every step i take, i stay in the same place
i can’t begin to start again why can’t i just be perfect?
i will never recover from this
i will never believe in this again
i can never go back to the way i used to be before this started
– “ides of march” by Silverstein
You are my world, dearest babydoll. You haven’t seen me, the crazy, the depraved sick things of my life that stick to my ribs like mother’s lies.
Crazy. Something I’ve been told all my life. Maybe I have been all my life. Old life, told all life, as long as I can remember I’ve been “different” a charade of normalcy. It never felt right to me. Friends? So hard to keep. It’s the spirits that haunt me, that listen, that respond. I love it. I love my treefriends. They make me happy and feel normal. But deep down, I fear I’m not. Fear I’ll never be accepted. That one day I’m Just going to break and end up in a ward for the rest of my Life. It’s been prophecized, a demon the scourge of my mind. Myself. My own sick thoughts that have lulled me into vivid nightmares for so long now. I’ve lived in fear most of my life. But not with you, finally, oh baby not with you. You make my life a dreamland, like everything can suddenly be special again. The dark holds me but you, oh sweetness… you must be the light.
It’s thanksgiving today. I feel thankful. Mom said I’ve been making progress…which means ugh now I have to ruin thanksgiving again. I have to regress so she doesn’t treat me differently. So she doesn’t one day think I’m magically “better” and then poof I’m an adult. I don’t want to be an adult because I KNOW what that means: responsibility, mundaneness, endless work, meaninglessness, routine tasks, no magic, no innocence, no fun, no happiness….boring. Stupid. Horrid.
I don’t want any of it.
Sometimes I think it mght be ok…but those thoughts scare me. It’s like my mind is turning against me, my body has already turned against me. I remember when I hit puberty, plucking out pubic hairs with a tweezer and when they got too much, ripping them out in clumps by hand. Wearing tight sports bras to band my chest. Never wanting to change my clothing style till it became ridiculous to the point of ridicule. I still don’t like jeans.
“Peter Pan Syndrome”
We love the taste of cereal and would have breakfast at every meal if we could – cheerios and chocolate milkshakes over a pile of comic books, dreaming.
Let’s never read directions, but twist our way through streets – destination anywhere – winding our way to sunset. And it seems so careless, but I just want to let my soul drift with yours in an eternal state of wanderlust.
If you’re curious, my favorite color is violet. I sing in the shower sometimes and I read books in the corner next to the vent. I wish I could smell like strawberry candy, and sidewalk chalk was my first paint brush. I have trouble using a desk at home and I will always harbor an affinity for oatmeal raisin cookies. I have nothing to hide
Tell me your dreams over the phone and take me with you to that sun-drenched island – home base – with your library of matrices, wastelands, lost cities, and demons. In the eclipse of my sun, when my imaginary friends disappear in the darkness, please remain.
You say what you feel, and mean what you say, and say what you see, and you see love. I do too.
Let’s run away to never-never land and never, never come back.
It’s poison to the soul.
Why do you think it’s ok to say things like that. I am that worthless? Am I that DISGUSTING that it’s ok for you in your mind to say things like “I’m going to hit you” meaning it seriously if I don’t SHUT UP about something. If I don’t remain Voiceless and say whatever it is you want to hear. Is it not ok for something to slip out, something not about you or mean or rude, but a desperate plea from a worried girl? Something so not ok that it’s alright to threaten me and say that you’ll never care where or how I get cigarettes again if I don’t shut up right now. Shut up… after two or three sentences?
I just wrote you a beautiful love letter too. I told you about it…you didn’t ask to read it. Is that another thing you don’t care about like how you obviously care about me.
Remember how you were in the car? When we were on heroin? Remember how abusive you were then? Remember how you BIT ME in a fight for a few bags? Remember how you would make me feel like shit everyday, make me feel less than a human being? You’ll NEVER have to feel that way because you, oh you, are a WHITE MAN and I am NOT a MONSTER.
I fucking hate everything? I wonder why.
If ou think it’s ok to threaten me. It’s not. If you think it’s working? It probably is because right now I am terrified. You’re frustrated? I’m SCARED. Fuck you. You think I was crying because I didn’t get my way. Are you insane? Maybe it’s because you made me feel worthless like some piece of shit you can just kick and not worry about. I worry about you. I love you and yes, I still do yes.
I don’t want it to be this way. I said something stupid. I admit that, but really?
Not cool dude.
 just got told to go to hell, to fuckng kill myself and that I’m worth less than his cell phone. I screamed and screamed. I don’t get it… maybe I will kill myself or cut at least… I need to pour out this sadness and rage through some good ole bloodletting.Thanks for nothing. Also this is all because I asked him to ask his dad for five dollars. All I want is for him to put this in perspective.
Oh and I interrupted his “writing” too much. Get a life. Good writers can deal with families and LIFE in general. That’s fucking HOW people write.
So I left the car and walked to a graveyard. He followed. “Is this where you think I belong? I belong here don’t I?”
“You shouldn’t take my words so seriously. You know I didn’t mean that. Why are you taking it to the end that degree?”
“Hm isn’t that exactly what you did to me?”
Silence, stillness, thoughts
And all I wanted to say was I love you, I forgive you, I understand, I don’t know.
Knock me out every time they touch me
I wanna feel a kiss just crush me
And break me down
I haven’t written about Kevin yet. Steve and I broke up in December and it was really really tough. I cut my arms terribly and now have long, pink, puffy scars. It was the literal worst. I thought I was going to die so many times. I fantasized about it constantly. Then something incredible happened. My life was saved. I met Kevin online – I noticed him immediately on the site and messaged him. It was like magic – we connected instantly. Now we have been dating (in person) for about 2 months.
I’m scared of how hard I fell for him. I constantly question my feelings – are they real? is this really happening? I don’t know anymore. He cares about me like no one else – I don’t think I have ever been cared for so much. Sometimes I still think about Steve but it’s becoming harder and harder to remember him. It’s like Kevin is erasing that whole disaster. I remember bits and pieces. Foreheads touching, toads, flashes of memories that make me smile sadly.
I feel kindof sad today. I haven’t really been seeing things but I have been doing a lot of heroin. I don’t think I’m an addict yet though. I love it so much and I love that Kevin and I can get high together. It’s the absolute best to be able to be totally honest with someone. I’ve never had that in my whole life. really. I lie to everyone constantly. Even when I don’t have to, I lie. I don’t even feel bad about it.
I also haven’t been eating or sleeping. The eating isn’t really an issue though. I can live without eating much. I actually hate eating. It’s a waste of time, money and calories. I like sleeping though and not being able to sleep is really fucking me up. I stay awake in limbo for hours. Shock waves in my chest keep me from nodding off. The heroin helps immensely though. It’s the perfect drug. I don’t feel like I have an eating disorder but sometimes I really think I do. The amount of thinspo on my dash is proof enough.
Back to Kevin. I can honestly say I love him. Which is weird because I never thought I would be able to love anyone but Steve. Kevin literally swept me off my feet. He became everything so soon. I don’t quite trust it yet – but I want to oh I want to. We also have the best sex. Which helps alot. We haven’t really been doing anything because of all the dope and work and such but when we do it’s amazing.
I feel like I’m chasing something – like an idea or a ghost. I feel crazy a lot. I haven’t felt myself all week. I feel broken and bent and disordered. I feel like this is the consequence of some brain chemicals gone haywire. I feel especially moody. I feel like I should be writing poetry all day but I have homework to do that I have been putting off.
I haven’t written in a long time but I got back together with Steve, my ex. Daniil and I dated for all of one month and then I broke up with him for Steve. I feel like Steve really loves me. He would think of me in the time we were apart – just like I would think of him. He’s my everything and I love him so much. Mom thinks I should find another boyfriend and constantly invalidates Steve because he has depression really badly and doesn’t leave his house too often – maybe once every few months. Depression is more debilitating than people give it credit for. I don’t have depression but it does follow me sometimes and it surrounds me in the people that I love. Steve is so loving. He still calls me kitten. It was rough going for a while when I was seeing Daniil AND him. He was utterly suicidal at the thought of sharing me or even thinking about me with some other guy. We made a suicide pact at one point. We were both overwhelmed with feelings after being reunited – it was almost too much for both of us. We made it through though.This was the beginning of the summer.
It’s October now, I’m almost done with the semester. I have this class called The Personal Essay in which I am writing a story called “A Series of Ambulances” as my “memoir” type final project. Mom caught me using heroin in September or August. I did 5 bags that night and it was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. Heroin is truly the most amazing drug. However, Mom says that if she finds out I’m doing drugs other than weed (which she strangely accepts) she will kick me out onto the streets and not care where I go – she will also stop college. I have to wait till she has no more financial or otherwise hold on me till I can break out the H or the Coricidin hahaha Although I’m not sure I’d do Triple C again – I’d have to be really desperate.
Time has been hard to kill lately. I’ve been seeing faeries, monsters, flashbacks, visions, and otherwise. I had a traumatic experience a few weeks ago. I was raped but this guy I knew. I don’t know – I feel like it was definitely at least partially my fault but I did say “No, I have a boyfriend” at least 3 times. I guess I’m just not convincing. I was so weak. I didn’t tell Steve about it – I just said that something bad happened and now I have flashbacks and visions.
I also haven’t been Eating. I hate my body so much – everything about it is wrong except maybe my face but not entirely (my cheeks are too fat). I waver between 149 and 150lbs. I gained a lot since my last entry and the summer but I have been systematically starving myself for about 3 weeks now. I eat one meal a day at night, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, take laxative tea…. any way to be thin. I want to be as skinny as Steve (who, about 3 weeks ago was 5’9 and 107lbs). I want bones to show. My mom and I have been doing Zumba lately – it’s a lot of fun. I think I love dancing – I do Bellydance too. I can’t get enough and it’s a great way to burn calories.
I am reckless. I am wild youth. I will never grow up.
“Why can’t you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can’t I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone”
I really like Daniil, and to follow up from the last entry, I told Mario that it wasn’t going to work and he told me to have a good fucking life but I didn’t respond. I just deleted his number and moved on. He meant nothing to me. Not like Daniil. Daniil doesn’t want a girlfriend or anything. He says we’re just friends but we have sex regularly, see each other nearly everyday, talk on the phone and share feelings and secrets. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. One minute he tells me it’s probably not going to work out and the next he tells me we have a shot. Is it a game? Is this just a fucking game? and how do I win? I have a lot of feelings for him.
My thyroid is serious. I went to the endocrinologist and she said it was probably Graves Disease but the bloodwork I had for her neither confirmed nor denied it so I have to go to the hospital and get a catscan. Only mom’s been giving me fish oil as a supplement and that a no no for this test so I have to wait three weeks before I can get the test. Which means three more weeks before I can even get medicated. It could even be cancer. I mean, I smoke so I don’t really know. It could be a node on the thyroid too which means surgery on my throat. FUCK. Daniil said he would be there for me, which was sweet and much appreciated. I really need someone there to talk to.
Real life is no fairy tale and It’s been kicking my ass. I want everything to work out but no. I saw my ex last week twice. It was interesting. He grew a Charles Manson beard and doesn’t leave his bed. I still use him for goodnight calls. But last night, he didn’t respond and didn’t text me this morning. He says he cares but I doubt it. He has an internet girlfriend and whatever. I didn’t ask him to ditch her for me because I know I can’t give all of myself to him again. He’s just not worth it and saying that really fucking hurts but I had to say it. I have to let go.
I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I’ve been smoking pot and drinking a lot more. I hear voices that tell me to bang my wrists into furniture, cut myself, break bones, jump out windows, burn myself with my lighter, etc. I can’t tell anyone because I want to be able to go out and have fun. But it is a constant headache – it’s just one voice too. It’s like a young girl. I don’t even know. Because of the thyroid hyperfunctioning my medication isn’t as effective. I shake, am never hungry, go to the bathroom like a million times a day, can’t sit still, my hair falls out in clumps, my heart is too fast, so is my pulse.
I’m literally a mess.
“I stared taking care of myself today, but then I stopped ’cause I don’t care”
I had two dates yesterday, awkwardly. I hung out with this guy named mario for a while in the afternoon and with daniiel at night. Mario is tall – he’s like 6’4 – which is totally ridiculous… He was a gentlemen though – too bad I go for people who don’t treat me well. Daniiel tells me that you have to be an asshole to get a girl, and he’s doing a good job of it. He tells me not to fall for him or overthink things but whatever – sometimes you have to take risks in order to fly. But right now, i have to stay on the ground. Mom was pissed at me because i lied to her about where i was going and for asking to sleep over rachael’s house (even though I’d really be going over to Daniiel’s house/apartment). But WHATEVER. she didn’t need to freak out so hard. Jesus.
So i’m having health issues. My thyroid is hyper functioning and i don’t know what that means or what to do about it. I have to see an endocrinologist, i guess. Mom think’s it’s serious… I was also vitamin D deficit and my blood sugar was high. I am literally a mess – emotionally and physically.
I wish i was dreaming and that one day i’ll wake up to something better. Maybe that’s what death is – waking up to something better (or worse, i guess). Sometimes I don’t feel real. I am bored and numb, walking though my 21 year old life like a teenager. Daniiel and I has sex again – this time in his car. I tried my best to be good but I don’t know – some things i just feel embarrassed about and i’m not good at….bleh. I want him to like me so much – maybe just maybe this will work out… who the fuck knows.