I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Archive for October, 2016

Trading Bondage for Vagabondage

Well, after about two hard years of lying, stealing, cheating, fucking the banks and the credit card companies, all for the love, no, the burning desire, unstoppable force of heroin, we are clean and have been for about two weeks. It’s nice, er, it would be nice if we didn’t have to live this miserable homeless existence in the car or out on the street panhandling. At least we’re not getting sick, right?

However there is a few problems.

1. The void in my heart/brain/soul that heroin numbed and filled is back again. I’ve been trying to fill it with my pagan faith, positive affirmations, meditation and magick. But alas, it still pains me. I think one of these days, I’m going to o step in from of a speeding 18-wheeler and nobody will be able to stop me.

2. Kevin doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me, fuck me. I thought that would help with the void. He’s been so mean to me – ordering me out of the car, throwing Charlie (my lovable oversized stuffed brown bear that I feel is my protector and good good friend), yelling at me, driving risky, and all around terrifying me. He says he’s sorry eventually sometimes – but this last time…. was so bad…. I’m finding it harder and harder to forgive him. I don’t want it to be this way, but I’m not th one that started this.

3. My parents are moving from the house that I grew up in to a home in Florida. That means I lose the house I love, the woods and trees that grow on that property that I love, my parents won’t be here to give me food, clothing or money, I won’t have access to my magick box, clothing, blankets, jewelry or anything. When I miss my mom or dad they are supposed to be there – accessible for hugs and snuggles and taking care of me when I’m sick or sad or in need of their parental love and presence. My world is literally turning inside out with the thought that they’ll be leaving MY HOME. MY FOREVER HOME, MY HEART HOME, MY GREATEST SANCTUARY AND SHELTER. Annnnd me and Kev are on methadone, which you have to go to the clinic everyday so it’s not like we can just stop that and leave. Kev can’t even leave the state right now cuz he’s on probation. And I’m not sure if dad, who hates my bf with a passion, will help both of us get set up in Florida.

I literally hate everyone right now – except maybe my mother (which is extremely odd)