I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

beltane

Yesterday was Beltane, one of 8 pagan sabbats, and i spent most of it in the woods. There, amongst the comfort of trees, i had sex with someone i barely know. His name is Daniiel, pronounced duh-niel because he’s russian. Merry making is part of this sabbat – but why do i feel so conflicted. He told me blatantly that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if he’s ready to fall in love again, and i respect that – at least he’s honest. He told me not to fall for him because i might get hurt. Little does he know that hurting myself comes naturally to me. I’m a masochist after all. He told me that he doesn’t know if he could love someone who doesn’t love themselves. So now, i have to try harder… *sigh*

I went crazy eating the past few days – i might even be over 150. My lowest weight was 144.5. I really hope i’m not over 150…  i think i might have to kill myself if that happens haha. I hate my body so much. Everything about it is wrong – my belly button to my nipples and, not to mention, calves. I wonder where all this pain started – where the first moment that i was worried about my body happened. Daniiel says I should love myself and my body because God created me and we are all perfect. But he also said that fat girls who show too much skin are disgusting, so i don’t really know where he falls in all this.

I haven’t been purging as much, but i still do it. I don’t know – not that much comes up anymore – i don’t know why i try.

I feel like i have no self-respect. Mom tells me that all the time. I can’t tell her about having sex with Daniiel or she’d kill me and never let me see him again. *sigh* I hate everything. I wish I could tell her, I really do, but it’s just not an option for me…

xXx

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