I find myself lying more and more. Not just to my parents but to myself too. I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night, but in the end i didn’t have the guts to do it. I had fantasized about that moment for days – how i would do it and what it would feel like, Nothing even came close. I was in tears – just at the thought of losing him or being alone – i;m not sure which one anymore, I should really have let him go but for some reason i cant. He doesn’t want to be friends after, he doesn’t even want to speak to me after… i just don’t know
And now i have to find a job to feed money into my growing heroin addiction. ten dollars a bag (which is the equivalent of one line) isn’t cheap. My parents might begin to wonder where all this money is going so i’m going to start a new campaign called op: eating out. I plan to pretend to go out to eat a lot more frequently and noticeably that way i have something to blame. And no, i don’t plan on actually eating. I never plan on eating,
In fact, i haven’t really eaten in the past week or more, I think i’m falling back into my eating disorder and with it comes all the chaos that my mental illnesses bring, Some like crack like not eating in the veneer lets out the beast and nothing can hold her back. I don’t know that i could stop it even if i am self-aware.
Right now, i am sitting in the midst of an unmade bed with a runny nose, wondering what i am going to do with myself. How can i stop feeling so worthless?
September 26, 2013 | Categories: Journal Entry | Tags: addiction, bipolar, boyfriend, break up, breaking up, dope, eating disorder, heartbreak, heroin, junk. smack, lying, mental illness, money | Leave a comment