I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

i used to be a superhero

Sometimes i feel as if my world is on the brink of collapse. I was over evan, my super cop “friend”‘s, house yesterday. We finished the movie Thor – a movie we had previously gotten too distracted to watch. He was supposed to make dinner for me, but i ended up making pasta and he heated up meatballs from the fridge in his weird-ass microwave… He’s a good guy but i have so many reservations. I give in and give in. i give my body but not too much more. I feel like he will never be really mine and at the same time, i’m not sure if i want him to be.  [you could give me anything  but love]. i have my boyfriend who is far from perfect but he tries in his own ways and i love him for it, Nothing can compare to the feeling i get when i’m with him – er the feeling i used to get with him from old memories of before. I feel broken and loathesome. why am i such a monster? why do i have to see evan and make a mess of a relationship that might work? I feel embarrassed and insecure. my mom thinks i’m a whore – but i’m not. i’m just really messed up right now. so what do i do? smoke another cigarette, drink… perhaps take a stroll down the drug aisle in CVS so i can pop cough medicine and forget myself for a time?

Being sober is killing me. i don’t want to be just like everyone else – drugs make me feel superhuman for a while that is, but sometimes that’s enough. I’m so frustrated with the fact that i am trapped at home. i’m not allowed to live at college anymore because i’m too crazy. Last semester i flew from my boyfriend’s house to home to school. It was always an escape for me – a private sanctuary to cut and do drugs and drink. it was my release and it made me feel good. worse than missing drugs – i miss the cutting. the beautiful scarmaking that decorates my body. I look at all my scars and long to add to the collection but i know that if my parents find out ill be fucked. and they have been on the warpath of observance. I can wait till winter – when my body is covered and i will have the artistic licence to my body returned.

xXx

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