I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

heavy in your arms

I ended up getting back together with my ex on our anniversary. It was a triumph that slowly faded into despair. Nothing is the same between us and now he treats me like second string. It hurts a lot. We don’t even have our goodnight calls or even talk once a day. I thought he was my everything but now i realize that i’m just his nothing. yet i stay with him – i cling on to the memory of our once-was. the beautiful effervescent dream of our last four years together. He says that i was draining and that his business suffered because of me. i feel like that’s bullshit but i have no retort to challenge him. i’m at a loss for words lately. My parents hate him. they attack and attack. they don’t think i know? what fools. He says, “work comes first.” “my friends come first” everything seems to come before me.

Then there’s this other guy, and he treats me alright. He opens the car door for me and such. But i can’t help but feel that he will never date me. We talked about it once and in the end i was very confused. it seems like emotionally/physically he wants to be with me but logically everything is telling him to stay away for the messy tragedy-waiting-to-happen that is me. I love this man, without a doubt but he doesn’t seems to love me…. the dilemma. Maybe things will change one day… but who knows. he’s picking me up today and we’re going out. he puts his arm around my shoulder (in front of his friends too)  and everything feels alright. i feel safe and secure – like nothing in the world could hurt me and the best thing is …. i forget entirely about the bf and all the drama and ill-feelings revolving around him.



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