Sometimes i feel as if my world is on the brink of collapse. I was over evan, my super cop “friend”‘s, house yesterday. We finished the movie Thor – a movie we had previously gotten too distracted to watch. He was supposed to make dinner for me, but i ended up making pasta and he heated up meatballs from the fridge in his weird-ass microwave… He’s a good guy but i have so many reservations. I give in and give in. i give my body but not too much more. I feel like he will never be really mine and at the same time, i’m not sure if i want him to be. [you could give me anything but love]. i have my boyfriend who is far from perfect but he tries in his own ways and i love him for it, Nothing can compare to the feeling i get when i’m with him – er the feeling i used to get with him from old memories of before. I feel broken and loathesome. why am i such a monster? why do i have to see evan and make a mess of a relationship that might work? I feel embarrassed and insecure. my mom thinks i’m a whore – but i’m not. i’m just really messed up right now. so what do i do? smoke another cigarette, drink… perhaps take a stroll down the drug aisle in CVS so i can pop cough medicine and forget myself for a time?
Being sober is killing me. i don’t want to be just like everyone else – drugs make me feel superhuman for a while that is, but sometimes that’s enough. I’m so frustrated with the fact that i am trapped at home. i’m not allowed to live at college anymore because i’m too crazy. Last semester i flew from my boyfriend’s house to home to school. It was always an escape for me – a private sanctuary to cut and do drugs and drink. it was my release and it made me feel good. worse than missing drugs – i miss the cutting. the beautiful scarmaking that decorates my body. I look at all my scars and long to add to the collection but i know that if my parents find out ill be fucked. and they have been on the warpath of observance. I can wait till winter – when my body is covered and i will have the artistic licence to my body returned.
I ended up getting back together with my ex on our anniversary. It was a triumph that slowly faded into despair. Nothing is the same between us and now he treats me like second string. It hurts a lot. We don’t even have our goodnight calls or even talk once a day. I thought he was my everything but now i realize that i’m just his nothing. yet i stay with him – i cling on to the memory of our once-was. the beautiful effervescent dream of our last four years together. He says that i was draining and that his business suffered because of me. i feel like that’s bullshit but i have no retort to challenge him. i’m at a loss for words lately. My parents hate him. they attack and attack. they don’t think i know? what fools. He says, “work comes first.” “my friends come first” everything seems to come before me.
Then there’s this other guy, and he treats me alright. He opens the car door for me and such. But i can’t help but feel that he will never date me. We talked about it once and in the end i was very confused. it seems like emotionally/physically he wants to be with me but logically everything is telling him to stay away for the messy tragedy-waiting-to-happen that is me. I love this man, without a doubt but he doesn’t seems to love me…. the dilemma. Maybe things will change one day… but who knows. he’s picking me up today and we’re going out. he puts his arm around my shoulder (in front of his friends too) and everything feels alright. i feel safe and secure – like nothing in the world could hurt me and the best thing is …. i forget entirely about the bf and all the drama and ill-feelings revolving around him.