I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Archive for April, 2013

dirt.

It happens right? Just blow off the memories and pretend like everything is okay. In the past week, i’ve gotten so drunk that i was turning blue and my breathing was shallow, smoked mad amounts of weed, had sex with a guy i just met three times – one of which was on a dirty couch next to the railroad tracks under a bridge, and found a hardcore drug dealer in my weekly group therapy class. i feel like i should be upset or crying that i cheated on a wonderful boy who calls me the center of his world but i’m not.

i’m next to nothing to this narcissistic asshat of a person and yet i try over and over again. He said that we couldn’t hang out after we smoked the weed that i paid for, which would have been fine if he was actually busy but nope – he was going to “study” with a girl. i saw through the bullshit in .5 seconds and called him out on it. He was just like “whatever, you know i don’t like you like that.” Oh you don’t?  well, maybe i was led to another conclusion after we had sex three separate times.

“i’m not a hand holding person” he tells me after i reached for his hand in the dormitory hallway as we were fast approaching the lounge, where his little fuck-me girl was. HOWEVER, off campus when we were walking to our smoke spot (where no one we knew could see us) he had his fucking arm around me – willingly – and we walked arm and arm until the dark woods tore our balance apart.

Is this my real life? HE also didn’t get the girl back in his room, because they were studying in the lounge when i was hanging with my friend Cooper. He and i went out for a smoke and as we walked back in i saw “my guy” snake his hand away from her hair or back or whatever. She left shortly thereafter, and so he was all like “fuck it i have no reason to be here anymore, come with me cooper, lets find the guys and play videogames in my room.” Which, okay whatever. Maybe i wouldn’t have felt so bad standing alone in that empty fucking room if they both had half the decency to turn around when they said “later.”

maybe.

i must be the most worthless piece of gullible shit in the universe. i feel like dirt. all i can taste is dirt. all i can see is dirt…. dirt. dirt. dirt.

xXx

Advertisements