I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

lover, come and hold me. my scars are not fading away….

i have a boyfriend and he’s been good to me. He doesn’t know that he shouldn’t be with someone like me and he probably won’t find out until its too late for us both. I find myself falling in and out of love with him frequently. The shift in my feelings changes on a dime. I wish it would stop – that I could consistently feel one way or the other and start preparing to live with the consequences of either decision. I’m visiting someone in florida, let’s call him lover. He’s hurt me many times… I’ve cut myself, broken my nose, starved myself and drugged myself because of him and yet, I can’t stop thinking of him. Some part of me hopes that when we see each other this summer, we can be secret lovers again. It can be like before, only real this time. But in truth, I might just have to live with being friends and nothing more. (i don’t think even he can keep that up though). I get mixed messages and i know that it’s going to kill me if this continues.

i want to transcend all this, to not be so caught up in life’s everyday trials. I really just want to escape…but no ordinary escape will satisfy me. I want to leave this world for another, more magical plane – a realm of pure thought that mimics our own – the Otherworld. But for now, I’ll settle for getting high or intoxicated… but it all wears off, and I’m back to this reality again – just as miserable as ever.

It’s not natural for a 19 year old girl to be carrying around stuffed animals and sleeping with them (8 of them, to be exact). But I can’t be alone anymore. I’m terrified of the dark especially when I’m feeling particularly unstable. I don’t ever want to be alone – but it’s not because I like other people, no, it’s because I’m more scared of my own, lingering thoughts than I am scared of the dark. I run around all day until the point of physical exhaustion – then, when i fall asleep – it’s always *dreamless*. I can’t bear to see my lover in dream-space. The guilt of loving him is too great. I want to hate him but… I can’t. The same way I keep trying to quit smoking, and always always always go back to it.

xXx

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