I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Archive for July, 2012

i think it’s time for disintegration. fragmentation. drugs. forgetting.

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lover, come and hold me. my scars are not fading away….

i have a boyfriend and he’s been good to me. He doesn’t know that he shouldn’t be with someone like me and he probably won’t find out until its too late for us both. I find myself falling in and out of love with him frequently. The shift in my feelings changes on a dime. I wish it would stop – that I could consistently feel one way or the other and start preparing to live with the consequences of either decision. I’m visiting someone in florida, let’s call him lover. He’s hurt me many times… I’ve cut myself, broken my nose, starved myself and drugged myself because of him and yet, I can’t stop thinking of him. Some part of me hopes that when we see each other this summer, we can be secret lovers again. It can be like before, only real this time. But in truth, I might just have to live with being friends and nothing more. (i don’t think even he can keep that up though). I get mixed messages and i know that it’s going to kill me if this continues.

i want to transcend all this, to not be so caught up in life’s everyday trials. I really just want to escape…but no ordinary escape will satisfy me. I want to leave this world for another, more magical plane – a realm of pure thought that mimics our own – the Otherworld. But for now, I’ll settle for getting high or intoxicated… but it all wears off, and I’m back to this reality again – just as miserable as ever.

It’s not natural for a 19 year old girl to be carrying around stuffed animals and sleeping with them (8 of them, to be exact). But I can’t be alone anymore. I’m terrified of the dark especially when I’m feeling particularly unstable. I don’t ever want to be alone – but it’s not because I like other people, no, it’s because I’m more scared of my own, lingering thoughts than I am scared of the dark. I run around all day until the point of physical exhaustion – then, when i fall asleep – it’s always *dreamless*. I can’t bear to see my lover in dream-space. The guilt of loving him is too great. I want to hate him but… I can’t. The same way I keep trying to quit smoking, and always always always go back to it.

xXx


“forget your heart” – Silverstein

Forget your heart.
It’s weighing you down inside,
As you confide your life to someone else.
Maybe we’re scared to be alone,
We’re not prepared to throw the stones,
And watch them drift out of our control.

There’s no return,
To what you had when you started,
Before you lost control.
You will never recover.

Fight these eyes,
They’re drawing you inside.

Lie down,
And break down,
You’re dead.
Lie down before you lose control.
Lie down,
And break down,
You’re Dead.
Lie down before you lose control.


I broke my own nose today.

on purpose.

just another new low for my self mutilation impulses…. It’s getting worse and worse. I feel like my chest is collapsing. I refuse to sleep, I refuse to eat. My whole face hurts and my nose is black and blue, cracked and broken from where I smashed it on my knee last night. I feel so hurt and betrayed by him, it didn’t have to be like this – and in front of everyone too.

I want to break every bone in my body, I want to bleed and go numb. There is nothing more calming than the rational, logical process of bandaging up. You temporarily forget what happened, and for a moment – you can take care of yourself.

The only time people will *really* listen – is when you’re bleeding or hurt. It’s so sad.

My crime? unconditional love. My punishment? mutilation and starvation. The result? i still love you.

 

xXx