I want to Disappear
This weekend was going to be perfect.
I was going to be perfect.
I worked so hard and I wished even harder.
It’s a little fucked up, how things work. I need to be there for my good friend, who thinks I hate him right now. Its been hanging over my head for days and to be honest, I’m terrified to see him today.
I tried for weeks to make myself pretty. I starved, kept mentally stable and worked on fixing all of my superficial flaws: skin, eyebrows, shaving, waxing, this&that. But what do I get? Do I get to see the man I love this weekend? Yes. Will he see me – beautiful from all this work? nope. He’ll see me broken out, bloated and fucking upset. He doesn’t really talk to me or text me, I think it’s just his nature, but if I was just prettier, smarter, more confident…“attractive” maybe then… he’d WANT to be with me more, there’d be no doubts, no … uncertainty. I hate my body and periods? the ultimate turn off – is always the woman’s fault. We have to take everything on our shoulders and in the end, its just easier to blame us.
I feel guilt, hatred, fear, uncertainty, undeniable love, sadness, hopelessness, excitement….. I feel too much and I know that someday, it’s going to kill me.