I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

we always crave the things we can’t have

I find myself in love with someone who doesn’t exactly feel the same way, at least – there is doubt in my mind – and this is a never-ending source of anxiety, eye-watering, angry moods, and sleepless nights. It shouldn’t be like this. We were close, like bf/gf close, and then he said no – he wasn’t ready for this, didn’t want a relationships, couldn’t handle my past, more importantly couldn’t handle me …. BUT nothing changed. In fact, we had a little space then everything was back to normal – we slept next to each other, everyone figured we were dating…. things got BETTER than they were before. I had no idea what to make of all this, and since boys are incapable of talking about their feelings or “emotions” in general – everything that was going on in his head was inaccessible to me. Things kept changing and we were even closer but I couldn’t ask why or what happened for fear of losing what little happiness I had with him… When we had to leave each other for the summer – I whispered to him something I had been feeling for a while but never had the courage to vocalize: “I love you” and he said it back…

The summer has been progressing and we talk here and there. I don’t rp online with him as much as I promised… but he also never has initiated talking by text. I need to be in contact with someone this special to me at least once a day – even if its short. It puts my mind at ease and makes me smile, but how can I tell him that? How can I expect anything from him when there is no official romantic relationship there? When we do text, its perfect and the world shrinks… I don’t know what to do or where to start. I am more frustrated and anxious than ever…

The worst emotion is uncertainty.

xxx

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