This weekend was going to be perfect.
I was going to be perfect.
I worked so hard and I wished even harder.
It’s a little fucked up, how things work. I need to be there for my good friend, who thinks I hate him right now. Its been hanging over my head for days and to be honest, I’m terrified to see him today.
I tried for weeks to make myself pretty. I starved, kept mentally stable and worked on fixing all of my superficial flaws: skin, eyebrows, shaving, waxing, this&that. But what do I get? Do I get to see the man I love this weekend? Yes. Will he see me – beautiful from all this work? nope. He’ll see me broken out, bloated and fucking upset. He doesn’t really talk to me or text me, I think it’s just his nature, but if I was just prettier, smarter, more confident…“attractive” maybe then… he’d WANT to be with me more, there’d be no doubts, no … uncertainty. I hate my body and periods? the ultimate turn off – is always the woman’s fault. We have to take everything on our shoulders and in the end, its just easier to blame us.
I feel guilt, hatred, fear, uncertainty, undeniable love, sadness, hopelessness, excitement….. I feel too much and I know that someday, it’s going to kill me.
I find myself in love with someone who doesn’t exactly feel the same way, at least – there is doubt in my mind – and this is a never-ending source of anxiety, eye-watering, angry moods, and sleepless nights. It shouldn’t be like this. We were close, like bf/gf close, and then he said no – he wasn’t ready for this, didn’t want a relationships, couldn’t handle my past, more importantly couldn’t handle me …. BUT nothing changed. In fact, we had a little space then everything was back to normal – we slept next to each other, everyone figured we were dating…. things got BETTER than they were before. I had no idea what to make of all this, and since boys are incapable of talking about their feelings or “emotions” in general – everything that was going on in his head was inaccessible to me. Things kept changing and we were even closer but I couldn’t ask why or what happened for fear of losing what little happiness I had with him… When we had to leave each other for the summer – I whispered to him something I had been feeling for a while but never had the courage to vocalize: “I love you” and he said it back…
The summer has been progressing and we talk here and there. I don’t rp online with him as much as I promised… but he also never has initiated talking by text. I need to be in contact with someone this special to me at least once a day – even if its short. It puts my mind at ease and makes me smile, but how can I tell him that? How can I expect anything from him when there is no official romantic relationship there? When we do text, its perfect and the world shrinks… I don’t know what to do or where to start. I am more frustrated and anxious than ever…
The worst emotion is uncertainty.