I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Yesterday, I was a Mad Butterfly. Today, I am Static.

Like most things, I flip-flop between “extrovert” and “introvert.” I change in the night, in a single moment sometimes when I’m not paying attention – because I can never pin down exactly when the change occurred. It seemed like yesterday or maybe last week that everyone was blowing up my phone and I was moving like a mad butterfly from one thing to the next – always loud and happy – the center of attention. Today I find myself slightly nauseous at the thought of having to make small talk or worse yet – jokes. I think I have problems with relationships. I go all out to be people’s friend and if they don’t respond with the same fervor immediately – I end up hating them and trying to justify it with one of their very human flaws that I probably overlook in the few who have my utter loyalty. Also, when I feel like things are going too quick with a group of people – I run and get as much distance as possible. I find myself making plans because of my inability to say no – and then last minute lying that something came up. A bunch of friends are going drinking on Saturday and they invited me WHICH FREAKED ME OUT INSIDE. I am so paranoid. If anything happened – I would most likely lose the only person I care for, Steve. I’m actually babysitting that night which is awesome because now I don’t need to lie and I won’t be on campus, tempted. I’ve set fro myself a daily routine that I CANNOT DEVIATE from. If I do, bad things happen. I go to bed between 9 and 10, I wake up between 7 and 8. I buy a Mtn Dew and Grape water every Monday and Thursday morning. I do homework insanely early and always leave room to edit papers. I have straight As – but seriously, the pressure of maintaining that is driving me nuts. Luckily I live close, and I can go on “mini” vacations home every weekend – which is good because I’m taking a class over winter break (so I don’t really get a vacation anyway.)

xXx

There’s a man assigned to me,
And he checks on my stability,
We discuss you every week,
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
And he charges by the tear,
Til I weep no more strictly out of fear,
That I can’t afford your love,
And the moon just burns above.

Say Anything

 

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