I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

Archive for November, 2011

Lights Out

its weird, now. the more I see of this world – the more i despise it. I find no pleasure in ordinary comforts like reading, warm showers, sleeping…. I want adventure – but I want it in a vacuum – totally removed and disconnected from “me.” In essence, I want to be Bruce Wayne, and live a double life. Its totally an unrealistic vision and quite possibly dangerous and threatening even to me in thought. My own personal fleet of thought police exists. Its really sad how readable I am to people who know me. I wonder if this is good or bad. In truth, they don’t catch everything. No one could. I’m pretty random and extremely …. impulsive. GAH

But, right now in this very second. I AM FRUSTRATED. I feel like I’m walking around in a moon suit made of pillows. Everyone thinks I’m so very breakable and “untrustworthy” that I need to carry all their stupid protections and need to follow all the “rules” they set out for me. Like somehow if I don’t the world will end because, inevitably, “every choice I make is a bad one.” Well fuck that. I, if no one else, believe in myself and my ability to be responsible whilst having fun.

People have to learn that I am like a bird. I was meant to soar, not to kept, “safe and sound” in a cage. I WILL NOT BE CAGED, no, I will not be restrained against my will any longer. Does this mean I’m going to jump off a cliff? No. Does this mean I’m going to run away forever? No. Does this mean I’m going to somehow hurt every single person I love? No. Does this mean I will be able to become my own woman? Yes. Does this mean that I will learn to be responsible and rely on myself? Yes. 

Oh yeah guys, Freedom sounds perfectly awful. And maybe it does, if all you want to do is use and stare at the shell of a person I will be if I remain caged in your fingers forever. 



Punch your lights out

Hit the pavement

That’s what I call entertainment

Causin’ problems makes you famous

All the violence makes a statement

Punch your lights out

Hit the pavement

That’s what I call entertainment

Causin’ problems makes you famous



Unknown Title by Ranier Maria Rilke

In the night, I wish to speak with the angel
to find out if she recognizes my eyes
If she will ask me: do you see Eden?
And I’ll reply: Eden burns

I offer my lips to her, so cold,
As if she does not know desire
and the angel asks: do you feel life?
And I reply: life hurts.

Yesterday, I was a Mad Butterfly. Today, I am Static.

Like most things, I flip-flop between “extrovert” and “introvert.” I change in the night, in a single moment sometimes when I’m not paying attention – because I can never pin down exactly when the change occurred. It seemed like yesterday or maybe last week that everyone was blowing up my phone and I was moving like a mad butterfly from one thing to the next – always loud and happy – the center of attention. Today I find myself slightly nauseous at the thought of having to make small talk or worse yet – jokes. I think I have problems with relationships. I go all out to be people’s friend and if they don’t respond with the same fervor immediately – I end up hating them and trying to justify it with one of their very human flaws that I probably overlook in the few who have my utter loyalty. Also, when I feel like things are going too quick with a group of people – I run and get as much distance as possible. I find myself making plans because of my inability to say no – and then last minute lying that something came up. A bunch of friends are going drinking on Saturday and they invited me WHICH FREAKED ME OUT INSIDE. I am so paranoid. If anything happened – I would most likely lose the only person I care for, Steve. I’m actually babysitting that night which is awesome because now I don’t need to lie and I won’t be on campus, tempted. I’ve set fro myself a daily routine that I CANNOT DEVIATE from. If I do, bad things happen. I go to bed between 9 and 10, I wake up between 7 and 8. I buy a Mtn Dew and Grape water every Monday and Thursday morning. I do homework insanely early and always leave room to edit papers. I have straight As – but seriously, the pressure of maintaining that is driving me nuts. Luckily I live close, and I can go on “mini” vacations home every weekend – which is good because I’m taking a class over winter break (so I don’t really get a vacation anyway.)


There’s a man assigned to me,
And he checks on my stability,
We discuss you every week,
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
And he charges by the tear,
Til I weep no more strictly out of fear,
That I can’t afford your love,
And the moon just burns above.

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