I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

oh hey lithium

Now lithium is added to my cocktail of drugs. So basically Seroquel 4x a day, 3 cymbaltas of whatever dose, 500mgs of depakote (used to be a 1000mg but i was literally a zombie) and now lithium 3x a day.

“how the fuck do you remember all this?” the bf asks

well, my dear, it is simple. when i don’t take this or that whatever – either everyone yells at me (you included of course) or i get “padded-wall quiet-room psycho” as you so lovingly call it. But mostly, i am constantly reminded to “not forget to take (insert drug here)”

i don’t think i have had a conversation with my mom or therapist without hearing “did you take your meds?” or “don’t forget…blah blah blah.”

god. i’m so numb. luckily i used to feel enough so that i can act the part. oh happy. oh joy. oh pain. oh whatever. im usually just empty and try to fill the void with as many people telling me “i care about you” or “i love you” as possible.

but my void is endless and people’s time is not. so what. repeat it. i love you. i love you. i love you. i will never get tired of hearing it. never. i remember what it was like to actually feel it, love, that is, and it was great. it was real.

today, the girl who stands in front of you is fake, dead, and well, bordering on sociopathic in her manipulations.


dear world,

i’m sorry.


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