I want to be annihilated completely, I want reciprocal forgetting, I want the angels not to recognize me.

She’s a rockstar, I’m a nobody.

I’m scared of what is happening to my best friend. I worry about her a lot, and this is weird for me because usually it’s the other way around. I’m the one swan diving off a bridge and she’s there to pick up the pieces. She smokes, drinks, pops ADHD pills. I don’t know if it’s because I am insanely jealous that she’s living the life I always sickly admired. I mean, I have an obsession with social deviance in current media (aka books, movies, music). I can’t live that life because of the boyfriend – I don’t want to lose him, no, I can’t lose him. I don’t think he understands how the temptation is there for me every day. To smoke, cut, drink – you name it. It’s fucking hard. But I keep telling myself that he’s worth it

I can tell you exactly when this shift happened to my best friend, the one who said she’d never smoke – the health nut. It was senior year of high school when she met Elena – the blonde beautiful Russian girl with a penchant for parties, booze and boys. That’s where it started and it took on a whole life from there, as these things often do. I don’t even think she talks to Elena anymore…

I’m scared for her today. Sometimes she tells me things and it doesn’t affect me much but today was different… But the thing is, she seems to be holding everything together. Then again, she probably doesn’t tell me everything, so I have no way of really knowing.

But the fact is she’s a rockstar and I’m a nobody. I don’t think she will ever feel what I feel. She has no problem with making friends, being invited to parties, having fun. Me? The one time someone invites me to go eat dinner with them in the cafeteria – they all ditch me in about 6 or 7 minutes to go 45minutes away to a Dungeons and Dragons tabletop roleplay club. All of them. And so I finished my dinner alone. God what’s the point???? All I do is study. I am so fucking caught up with work it’s not even funny. And winter break? Yeah, I’m not having one. I’m taking an intense 3 week, 3 credit course online. Summer? Haha nope, sorry. I’m taking a class 1st session on a lab science at county college. and then 6 weeks of all day work AT MY COLLEGE (as a summer camp Councillor)

fml.

xXx

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